September 27, 2008



(to give credit where credit is due...this blog is straight up Gray's Anatomy Format...which I used to absolutely adore, but it has gone a bit ER-ish on me and if I wasn't hooked on the characters and if I weren't completely OCD- I would switch it off...:0) )

We have all had jealous friends, jealous boyfriends or girlfriends, a jealous spouse...and assuming that we are all human, we have all been a bit jealous...seen green (not money green, but green eyed monster green).

We have been envious of the time or attention that someone we care about spends with someone else...or the fabulous shoes, great body, amazing hand bag...the hooker passing us on the street is sporting...Regardless to be human-is to have experienced jealousy in various forms.

As women, we claim we don't like it when men act jealous. We pretend it's a burden. What happens however, when the one we love is not jealous? This raises all sorts of questions. Does he just trust me or is he not in love with me anymore? Does he still find me attractive? Is he bored?Is he not passionate about me? Is he cheating?

This issue was raised by someone close to me. She has had an on again, off again relationship with the same boy for years and he used to be jealous, CRAZY jealous. This was an attribute that used to make her grit her teeth and make the hair stand up on the back of her neck. Because even when they weren't together she could not so much as speak to another guy without ruffling his feathers.

They have been slowly reopening the door between friendship and romance for awhile they are on uncertain ground. She goes out and talks to cute boys with her girlfriends last night, tells him about it expecting what WAS the usual envy drunk reaction and he remains unruffled. Now she wants to know why the boy who used to bang on her door and call her twenty times worrying about where she is and who she is talking is unfazed that she had a flirtation with another man.

Men are constantly talking about out double standards. Are they really double standards? Or do we just act put out by jealousy for the benefit of our friends and secretly relish the attention being showered upon us in the form of barbarism?..teehee...that is a joke! Although, let's be honest- we wouldn't mind our men clubbing the Violator over the head and dragging us back to the cave by our hair for a wild love by the fire...

Although jealousy can make people moderation-it can fuel passion, show interest, hold our attention. No woman wants a pouty man-boy sulking in the corner because some beau smiled in our general direction, but a "who was that guy?" every once in awhile is not only good for us as women because we know he still gives a dookie-but it is good for our man as well. We want him to know that "we we still got it" and he better recolize (haha)...

Something to the old "moderation in all things" adage. Like a shot of Grand Marnier in a top shelf margarita- a touch of jealousy gives both sexes the kick we crave in a relationship- can keep the home fires burnin' (or the cave fires as the case may be).

September 26, 2008

Had a Bad Day

I have to go back to last season of A.I .(or American Idol). When each Contestant got voted off...they would do the sappy video montage to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day"- (a song I still like in spite of the show's numerous efforts to destroy it for me). I like American Idol-like a great deal of "reality" television, I find it highly addictive-primarily due to its' broad appeal. ANYWAY, my point is this-when I see the young ones weep and see how defeated they are after they are cast from the pop island... I think that in the life of the kid being voted off. in the most vicious way Ryan Secrest and the Producers of American Idol can imagine in the name of "Entertainment"-THAT day .. is a catastrophic disaster...yet in the grand scheme...of all the days, of all the people in all the world...hardly a drop in the bucket.

So today, I had a bad day. I am not relevant enough to warrant a video montage or a theme song , but I try to force it into perspective. While my bad day was unselfishly was bad for me because someone nearest and dearest to my heart is having a hard time at this juncture in life. It is not hurricane bad, fire bad, serious illness relatively speaking, it was good...if that makes any sense.

However, why does knowing that "this too shall pass," not make it pass any quicker?

So although I literally was falling apart at my seams today on his behalf. .In his life...this is one day of many. And oddly enough, he doesn't even know it was bad.

Perspective...easy to define, hard to attain...

Especially when, "You had a Bad Day..."

September 19, 2008

Time Alone

Thinking today that the way I view time alone is extremely subjective. The only time that I am ever really alone is late at night, I spend the rest of the time with my Little Monkeys and on the phone and computer for work-running back and forth to God knows where..the usual.

So...when I actually am alone, I do not want to do any of the things that I should be doing, like tidying the house or finishing up the days' work...or even reading...instead, I poor a glass of wine and try to decide which pointless television show I will watch tonight...If I fall asleep, I am actually irritated that I missed out on MY time. That sounds so Oprah-ish of me...haha

Anyway on to the subjective part, my husband runs a seasonal business and I spend the season being emotionally worn out because I run the house single handedly. Knowing full well that tons of women do it and most probably do a more complete job than me...but I feel lonely. Typical man style, he is not super hands on with the babies or the most communicative person you will ever meet...but I miss his presence...I really have no other adults in my life to vent to.

When he comes back-i almost resent his presence. As tired as I get...the kids and I get into a groove and although we miss him, there is always a transition period when the season ends...

Perhaps then, it is not so much that my view is subjective- but that if I am alone by choice I feel recharged and rewarded and if it is not of my choosing, I feel alone and resentful...

Haha...verbal processing is my thing. Thanks to verbal processing I identified the differance between being alone and independent and being alone and lonely...and guess what? It doesn't change anything.

Such is life- with its' blank realizations...

September 10, 2008


I tend toward being overly analytical when it comes to things that don't matter the least bit to anyone, sometimes even to me...haha...kinda' ridiculous really...And in my overly analytical fashion, I have decided that I do this because if I really took the time to think about what a complete disaster I really am, I might fall into a trillion little fragmented I analyze empty things to keep me mind occupied...and distracted.

So case in point the above is one example, here is another...

I love "Sex and the City...first because I identify with the characters and second because I love the fashion...not that I am high fashion, but I still have an appreciation for it...sort of like my relationship with art and classical music...anyway...

I have a theory that doesn't matter one iota in the grand scheme of things...but my theory is : that the show is written so that all the women who watch the show identify with Carrie Bradshaw (for those of you living under a rock, played by Sarah Jessica Parker) and one other my case, Charlotte (whom I think is portrayed by Kristin Davis...? She also played Brooke the psycho who drown in the swimming pool on Melrose Place)...oh the wasted hours I have spent on bubble gum television!

Anyway...Sarah Jessica Parker is savvy and strong yet surprisingly vulnerable...and Charlotte is sweet and prim in MOST situations...not sure who plays the rest of me...but so far if I were a television character I would be a mix of Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte, Elaine from Seinfeld crazy...and Cybil...all the above and then some mixed together in uneven amounts...haha.

Oh the beauty of distraction!

September 3, 2008


The basic theme of the play "Our Town" Is that life is not in the big moments, but the moments in between. All the moments that we take for granted. I think about that a lot. I find myself so caught up in the trials and the tribulations of daily life that I often forget to appreciate the moments that make my life rich. Not the vacations and the holidays and the events that I seem to look forward to, but in the way my daughter sings songs exactly the way that I sing them, or that my son tries so very hard to be a "good boy" even though it is so very difficult for him. Even in the history that I share with my husband, the way that he can make me laugh even when I feel that we have lost touch.

What a waste I think it is that I am always looking ahead. Not seeing what is directly in front of me. Knowing that I have a blind eye when it comes to life, does not seem to be enough to keep it in perspective. I seem to be forever seeking the next thrill...but being immune somehow to the richness of my life...and it is. Rich I mean.

Perspective. What a waste it is, when it is gained only in hindsight. Why is it that we appreciate the most blessed times of our lives...only when they have passed. Reminiscing...I want to find a way to gain perspective when I can still hold, touch, feel. sense the moment...not to only appreciate the richest moments when they are past...I need to wake up and drink it all in when these experiences are still attainable, not when they have fallen out of reach...when regret sets in.

I want to be overwhelmed by the richness in my life. Not underwhelmed by its lack of adventure, or disappointed by its sameness. I want to APPRECIATE the beauty of this moment. There is no promise of the next.