May 23, 2009

For the Gilles??? Like 'For the Real" Get it?

Okay one more reality show blog and I will have it out of my system-temporarily. From music to mirror balls. Of course I watch Dancing With the Stars as well as American Idol...the list goes on, but for all intents and purposes the mention of these two will suffice. How could I NOT watch it? Just think of all those sequins and glitter AND COSTUMES!!! OOOOhhhhhhhh! Hold me back...almost as alluring as vampires. Almost. Actually that has only a teensy bit to do with my addiction. For a Broadway show/musical loving girl such as my self- I just feel comfy-cozy with over the top glitz and jazz hands. I do have one complaint however-the show's definition of the word "Star" is very loosely interpreted. In fact if it gets any looser I would like to be considered for season twenty one. Not because I have a false sense of my own importance, but because at least a third of the show's contestants are met with a "WHO?" much as the reaction to the announcement of my name would be. For all anyone knows I too am an "F" list pseudo-celebrity of a cable reality show nobody watches. Potato-Potawto...(hopefully phonetic spelling makes that more sensical.)Sort of like the Circus of the Stars definition of "star"...Remember that one? (Welcome to my random, make yourself comfortable let me get you a Shirley Temple).Regardless, the Dancing With the Stars winner was announced this week and alas-America's view of the "best" is on the same level of the shows definition of "star" such an nth degree that I had to wonder (once again) if the voters have been watching the same show I have watched all season.

Just in case you were basket weaving or basket balling, working out,washing your hair, travelling, gardening,riding your bike in traffic sporting spandex, tweeting or cleaning your bathroom grout with a toothbrush instead of watching DWTS (gasp)- I will provide you with a few highlights. First Jewel (LOVE her)was supposed to be on the show, but was injured before the show premiered-boo! (Entertainment news personality Nancy O'Dell was also unable to compete due to injury-sort of like the upgraded version of Leeza Gibbons) Although Jewel is so earthy,unplugged, unfussed and flowery I don't imagine she would have been especially fabulous at the whole production of ballroom dancing. A garden fairy dancing the rumba is hard to get a clear picture on...She was replaced by Holly Madison of Girls Next Door and Playboy fame...Holly stepped in at the last minute so she deserved to be cut some slack. Bless her pretty bleach blond silicone enhanced little heart though, no amount of training was going to save her from her lack of musicality and two left feet. Maybe her not being able to see her feet proved a bit of an obstacle? I am not being intentionally catty but she was almost Monica Seles bad... Jewel's husband Ty Murray who is a bull rider was also on the show. Ty was as if from another line dancing planet-out of his element and I found this utterly endearing. He reminded me of a little boy at church on Easter that looks so adorably uncomfortable in the suit and tie his mommy forced him to wear. I believe he made it to the final four for different interpretations of that same reason. Other notable contestants include: Steve-O (Jackass-danced with Lacey. Find her unique and refreshing),Lil'Kim who was impressively capable and like a African-American ex-con, rapper style version of Betty Boop (she danced with Ricky Shroeder-I mean...Derek Hough), Cute as puppies real life couple, fellow country singers and dance partners Chuck Wicks and Julianne Hough, David Alan Greir (In Living Color- and pretty good in an old time movie suave kind of way...just lacked flair. He danced with Kym Johnson), Belinda Carlisle (The Bangles. She danced with Jonathan Roberts-apparently teaching women over forty is his forte), Denise Richards(Wild Things and Starship Troopers. Former wife to Charlie Sheen- Poor baby. Were they EXPECTING her to be good at THIS? She danced with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), Lawrence Taylor (NY Giants Hall of Famer- sorry but as a football fan- even I am getting tired of the football guys on the show. As you shall soon see- ALL athletes seem to inaccurately skew the votes and throw the results. Ability has little to do with it. He danced with Edyta Sliwinska...lucky Lawrence!)and Steve Wozniak (Apple Computer fame-I know as much about him as he knows about dancing but he was somewhere close to Brave heart courageous to take that on. Cheers to that! His partner was Karina Smirnoff. Thankfully she is engaged to Max now, we wouldn't want her to be tempted to hook up with
Steve. He understandably seemed QUITE smitten with her). Then there were the top three...

Would you like these in order of ability or would you prefer them in order of American likability (mainstream America has different taste than I do-WHAT?!?) haha Never mind, I will go with order of that would be the second option.

3.In third place was Melissa Rycroft of Bachelor fame. She is the girl that Jason Mesnick picked and then unpicked. Fickle much? Unbelievably I ACTUALLY did not watch this one. I got too far behind and gave it up. Anyway she was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and had some balletic background. Not EXACTLY a novice, but neither are members of boy bands (Joey Mac- we are cool like that, Joey Fatone and Lance Bass)...I don't mind that so much I guess. She stepped in for Nancy O'Dell post injury, her partner was Tony Dovalani. Melissa should have had Shawn's spot in the top two. Her scores and judges comments were consistently superior and based on her abilities that spot was rightfully hers. Melissa is pretty,classy and relatable- all she needed was a little vavavoom which Shawn as a baby of seventeen rightly doesn't have either. Melissa may very well have a back up career in toothpaste adverts due to her ultra white shiny teeth. Almost like the FRIENDS where Ross whitens his teeth and they glow in the dark (I really should watch more TV...)Now that Melissa has two reality based shows under her belt, she could also become a professional "R"Lister ('R' for Reality) like Rob and Amber and the numerous Road Rules/Real World MTV Challenge-Gauntlet peeps that have made a career of non-famed fame. OR her fifteen minutes are up...

2. Gilles Marini of Sex and the City the movie fame. He was Samantha's blatantly sexcapadey neighbor-who I was flabbergasted that she didn't hook up with before returning to New York. We ARE talking Samantha here. Think the point was that she and Smith were the real deal even though it didn't work don't care...Right, so I would be lying as would the rest of the women in the world if I said Gilles wasn't easy on the eyes or failed to admit that he is not a renowned celebrity either. For Nip/Tuck viewers, you will be verklempt to know that Gilles will be playing Vanessa Redgrave's husband in the upcoming season. There is another show I don't watch...See? There ARE a few-Oh he has also appeared on Ugly Betty. Fab show-sadly I couldn't keep up with that one either...ANYWAY...Gilles was the partner of Cheryl Burke. I haven't been a fan of Cheryl's since Drew Lachey- those two were FANTASTIC together. Gilles and Cheryl though...they were explosive on the dance floor. They had this jaw dropping, temperature rising,unbelievably unarguable chemistry like Edward and Bella, like Carrie and Big, like Derek and Meredith, like Scarlet and Rhett, like Noah and Allie...times seven. Gilles made Cheryl look SENSATIONAL! EVERY girl needs a frame that compliments her picture THAT way (like my dance speak? fancy!) AND they were CRAZY good...I can't recall seeing so many tens. Even from Len! The fact that Gilles was a virtual unknown going into the competition and made it to the final two is a testament to his abilities. I am going to mention here that he is French...will be more clearly relevant shortly...stay with me-know it's difficult. Like following the "logic" of Bill Mahr. Sorry for that...

1. Enter the Winner of the DWTS Mirror Ball Trophy and Olympic Gold Medalist, seventeen year old Shawn Johnson. Shawn's partner was Mark Ballas. Mark is a charismatic dancer and his choreography is phenomenal. He is extremely skilled at showcasing the abilities of his various partners. No complaints there. Shawn is a gold medal winning gymnast. She is cute, young and flippy (irrepressibly cheerable) and improved a great deal throughout the season. Progress IS always a factor, as it should be...but in a competition-the end result HAS to be the key. Shawn was clearly not as skilled a dancer at the end of DWTS as either Gilles or Melissa. Her scores are proof of that. But yet she won...the whole enchilada. Her undeserved win points to a serious flaw in the system.

Unlike Idol, my opinion on the Dancing With the Stars results are less subjective. There are ACTUAL expert judges scores to use as evidence...Bruno (the small, foreign, ultra-expressive and excitable one), Len (the traditional British one) and Carrie Ann's (the saucy Fly Girl one...)scores all reveal the winner as Gilles. Without fail. Hands (paddles) down. It almost appears as though the voter judging was based more on some twisted view of patriotism, rather than on physical dance skill and performance. Plotting the American as Apple Pie Gold Medalist against the Unknown Frenchman (Let's face it- outside of french fries, the french kiss, Chanel,wine, french twist, bread, perfume and French-Canadian hockey players...that's a stretch-there is no love loss on the part of the the United States toward France). There may have been a bit of consolation voting for Mark in the trend of the Academy Awards where voters attempted to make it up to Mark that he and Cheetah Girl-Sabrina Bryan got sent home outrageously early in spite of their high scores. Regardless the reasoning, the end result was preposterous. DWTS fans are up in stilettos? chiffon?(arms). Producers are going to have to reevaluate the process or lose viewership. As with Emitt Smith's controversial win and that of Apolo Anton Ohno-both wins have been chalked up to their outside athletic achievements, rather than their dancing. There should be a subtle way to adjust the way the winner is chosen that still allows the home voters to feel heard- but gives the ultimate decision to the judges. If left as it is...I think Dancing With the Stars will leap (sashay?) the shark shortly...

*Sigh* If that happens I will be forced to look for illegal lifts and abuse of spray tanner in the streets...

Sorry Gilles -that you were robbed of your gaudy trophy that you so steamily...I mean RIGHTFULLY deserved!!!

Argentine tango before you go?

And the American Idol is...What the..?!?!

I am not sure about you- but I take in a shameful amount of Reality Television-even though I am not at all shamed by it as you will see by my unapologetic carrying on...

It all began with Real World-which I haven't seen in the past few seasons.I didn't even watch Real World Denver(The house they lived in was a converted bar-B-52's where I used to sip occasionally,back in the day). Then there was Survivor(I would vote myself off just to get away from the snakes and bugs) and America's Next Top Model (Fierceness, smiley eyes, two Jay's and a rotating retired Supermodel Judge). I even did Trading Spaces for awhile and always wondered how long it took the spray painted furniture and and super glued quick fixes to fall apart and how happy the homeowners were about their big transformation THEN? Technicalities. As fascinating as this all is-there is a point and I will get to it NOW...

The American Idol winner (from now on AI) was announced this week and as a self proclaimed expert of the reality genre (believe me-I am not bragging about my lack of life-ness-but I WOULD like to take this moment to send some love in the direction of my beloved dvr for allowing me to have what I want when I want it which includes the option to pause, rewind and delay reality. Muahahaha insert evil, powerful laugh here... You are the cat's pajamas...kudos) I can't help but feel a TAD let down-or bitterly disappointed the focus on the BITTER part.

This season of American Idol was upgraded in a lot of ways...

1. This season introduced a fourth judge Song Writer and Producer, Kara Dioguardi. Over all this seemed to be a positive, although by mid-season the show only allowed for three judges to comment on performances. It was usually Simon and Paula and then EITHER Randy OR Kara who got to speak. Sure that was good for their egos. I am not sure which would be harder to take: Taking turns OR knowing that viewers would rather hear what Paula had to rant than hear your assessment...? When Randy didn't get to speak, viewers missed out on repetitious valuable input like "Dawg that was hot," "I don't know dawg...," and "You can sing your face off." I like to play Predict What Randy Will Say...I am right 91.8% of the time...

*I am going to take two seconds here to give a shout out to one of my favorite moments in the finale: Kara and Bikini Girl. Fight bimbosity!!! Way to razzle dazzle Kara! You rock! Especially in the T-Bird get up you sported during Rock Week. Like spirit week in high school... I suggest for next season Pajama, Backward, Hawaiian and Crazy Hair Music weeks.

2.The addition of the mirrored stage, glittery mics and falling pillars. Next season let's think of even more ways to frighten and disorient the already terrified young contestants. Shall we?

3. This downgrade is an upgrade in my book...Ryan Secrest was toned WAY down. I now find him only nails on the chalk board abrasive. Much better than needles under my fingernails painful. Secrest out? Why, YES. PLEASE...Ever seen Kathy Griffin's bit about him? PRICELESS.

4. Paula was definitely soberfied. Like a whole new Paula sans train wreck reality show, with the addition of a jewelry collection and a new album. She knew how many times the contestants had performed in a night and everything!(not like with Jason Castro last season) She even used big eleventh grade words and although her comments weren't always directly relevant, she was at least watching the same performance as the rest of us. Her comments still read a bit like the "You're a star stickers" you got on your papers in second grade. Also, I am not in a position to question the relevance of others...

5. First blind/vision impaired contestant Scott MacIntyre was on the show this season. Scott amazed me. Not because he is blind, or because he plays the piano or
EVEN that he managed to get through the cheesy group dance numbers-but a combination and sometimes synchronization of the three. Impressive Scott! Sorry they feathered your hair and dressed you like a member of the original Miami Vice cast. Your style was better before the Stylist Intervention. I smell a lawsuit or at the very least a ticket bestowed upon your Stylist on behalf of the Fashion Police. I kept wondering if you were nasty to your Stylist? Revenge perhaps?

6. This season's final five may very well be the best in Idol history. I REALLY did put that in print. I have no pride-clearly. Regardless, I think with the proper management and image consultation each of the top five can and will be successful in their respective nichey music genre cliques. Especially Allison and Danny.

7. The background singers were brought out of the dark onto center stage for various performances. I am not sure why...I found them distracting. Like having sports commentators on the fifty yard line. By definition-thought the background singers belonged in the background. Just saying...Also something about it brought the Real Men of Genius commercials to mind, I have not yet uncovered the connection there.

*Still love Simon. He is consistently the most credible judge in the World Defined by Carla. Sometimes WAY TOO harsh-that is his shtick though. Lots of little play acting/Caricature fulfillment involving and between the AI judges. He NEVER gives undeserved praise and when he gives glowing comments- They are sincere, thought out and heartfelt and are appreciated as such. Go Simon! But PLEASE stop parting your hair like that...I am not sure how you even do that since it is only about an eighteenth of an inch long...but it is like bad hair black magic.

Simon Isn't COMPLETELY Heartless Reminder- he called a girl's boss when she quit to audition for AI (she was horrendous) and got her job back for her. Fox's effort to give Simon a heart= SUCCESS!!!

Wizard of Fox? Do you think that the Wizard of Fox can help Ryan find his way back home and give Randy a vocabulary and a fashion sense that makes him look less like Louis Farrakhan or a member of Outkast rather than an ex band member of Journey. Think Steve Perry is confused by Randy's exploration of bow ties, stripes and prints? (To the tune of Oh Sherrie..."Oh Randy can THAT be you?!") I know I find it disorienting...The Wizard already gave Kara her "swagger"-her favorite word after "honey, baby, sweetie"...and gave Paula clouded clarity-which is the best any of us can hope for. LALA land sort of like the Emerald City. Only with silicone and botox where the munchkins should be. However, "that's a horse of another color..."

Now for the BIG let down.

Kris Allen is the American Idol. KRIS ALLEN!- the itty one that I expected to go home weeks ago before Matt the Hat Donning-Duelling Piano Bar Guy. Kris most definitely stepped it up in the end...but BEFORE that he was the Young Newly Wed Guy because I found him utterly undefined. Literally forgettable. That said-he IS talented. He plays the guitar and takes some creative liberties and most of them add new flava'...he seems nice (not always or typically a prerequisite for talent but whatever)and he is cute-ish in an Elijah Wood, Lord of the Rings hobbit sort of way. That movie made me want a hobbit for a pet- then I could carry it with me in a pink leopard print cage...Well if the whole Idol thing doesn't work out for Kris, then I can provide him with an attractive "plan b". I see him being in the Gavin Degraw, Jason Mraz genre- albeit less original...and miniature. I like those guys too. I will purchase his music, who am I kidding? Not even myself. And it is not so much that KRIS is the American Idol, so much as who he had to "beat" to take the crown...tiara? I am not sure which it is-considering this is a pop competition. Your call. Also...who spells "Chris" like that? "Kris" Allen-that's who! No judgement...ish.

Enter(in strobes and smoke on a spiral staircase) runner up Adam Lambert. RUNNER UP?!? Adam ENTERED Idol an unknown ROCK STAR!!! I think that only David Cook and Daughtry can come close to making that claim legitimately and Adam required less polish than those two as he was already SUPER shiny. Adam has this theatrical, fireworks stage presence. He was BORN to perform and be wild no doubt-but we won't delve into that because he is fifteen (not really) and plays for the other team. Clad in leather guy liner and hip-gloss, glam-rock,club kid style. EVERY single week he performed all out and got rave comments from the judges. EVERY SINGLE WEEK!!!!... (By the way- when and where can I get my Adam doll that sings-yells Satisfaction at the push of a button?...I will be waiting. Impatiently as always). He and Danny were the only names people remembered for the first few weeks of the show. For excellent reason! They were the best!!!That said,Danny's music started to sound the same week in and week out-I am still a BIG fan. Danny is so humble and sweet and he has that throaty, smoker, sore throat voice thing going for him. He dresses himself well (even before they qualified for help from professionals) and resembles Robert Downey Junior..Oh and his young wife died of illness something like three weeks before auditions and encouraged him to go for Idol...*sniff**sniff*...Who can compete with THAT?!?!

Clearly not Adam...

So this is the theory. Not MY original theory...but according to various official and unofficial web sources. Like in political elections, the elimination of a popular contestant (Danny) swung his votes to the next most similar contestant (Kris)...that and the Southern vote (I think Adam made some Southerners a touch uncomfortable...bless their hearts, God love em'-I ACTUALLY do love Southerners but they DO have their own rules and are very proud of them- don't expect that to change soon, or EVER) made Kris the winner. Consolation votes...

Consolation Idol.

Yadda, yadda, yadda...

Doesn't mean anything.

It is ALL irrelevant in the grand scheme of things-

Adam's star will shimmer regardless. Irrepressible. NOT being THE American Idol may cramp his too-cool-for-the-planet style less anyway. Think he got what he came for...

Hahaha Since he is probably over it- I guess that just leaves me...

May 16, 2009

Just Like Bambi

Spring has sprung and you know what that means? I have been dancing around the May pole in my rumba panties (those are the burlesquey ones with the ruffles on the toosh)...Enjoy the sun. Take heart-"get your hands up-baby get your hands up..."

Your welcome.

I love you too.

Anyway I am not sure if it is the coming of Spring, or my renewed lack of direction...but this past week I did nothing but drink coffee (too much coffee and I got playful with it too a little bit of cinnamon in the grounds, a little bit of 'nilla for the sound. A little bit Of Splenda makes it sweet, a little creamer what a treat..WHAT?!? Imagine it to the tune of Mambo Number Five...I apologize), read (finished Breaking Dawn. Sniff, sniff- farewell mi amore you know where to find me if you ever decide to be unfictional- I will be sparkling in the soul quenching sun. Throat fully exposed in anticipation...) chauffeur (preschool, parks and play dates-I am only in it for the hat and the Monkey kisses), do dishes (necessary evil-beats bathrooms), watch reality television(so sorry Danny I cried too, but it is only the difference of a week apparently a little Kanye gets you to the final two...a little Kanye goes a long way with me as well...#crazy, unstable gangsters make me nervous. Breakdowns=shooting sprees and the hoes (I am not ashamed that I don't know how to spell that) better watch their backs...(I don't know what I am saying either?!?...) take care of the bare bones minimum of my duties (the dressing, the washing, the feeding the wiping) and bask in the tremendous, toasty, earth waking sun... Roll down the windows, let the wind Bridgette Bardot my hair and listen to my favorite music louder than I have right to. It's not my fault you still don't know who Billy Pilgrim is...think Harry Connick Junior is JUST the guy from Will and Grace and you don't know all the lyrics to Rent and Mama Mia...Catch up. Oh and if you are still mocking my New Kids on the Block-You're still wrong, Live a little.Be a Cover Girl, get Full Service and Twisted-Teehee...I listen to almost everything-except techno because WHAT IS THAT? Think you have to have been born after '85 or be neckless, wearing high tops and neon spandex shorts to fully appreciate...Right. So...Spring

I can't remember when I have been so giddily happy to see "someone". Sad or refreshing?...One of those.

Like the second Spring in Bambi when all the little Bambis, Thumpers, Flowers, etc... come out and find love and did I. In love with green grass, long days, the scent of lilac in the air...okay sundresses sandals and mango body butter may have SOMETHING to do with my euphoria...and the hunter better step off my mom. Oops got a little excited with all the Kanye talk...

Aside from that UTTERLY euphoric.

but I may need to reign it in and try to focus just a little bit...

Where was I? You would be not at all surprised at how many times I utter those words daily...

That's right...Hooray for Spring! Come to Momma. Toe touch, triple back handspring splits, spirit hands...

My bare feet and I adore you.

May 7, 2009

Club Rules

Do you remember when we were kids how we went through a clubhouse phase?

I THINK clubs and club houses are a gateway to childhood. Not all of us were blessed with a Handy Daddy who whipped us up Bob Villa/Trading Spaces Ty/Andrew/Carson-esque clubhouses out of the spare timber in the garage. Some of us had the kind of Daddy's that sent the car out to have the oil changed, called AAA to change flat tires and used the garage to park the car in and little else. For THOSE of us- the ones that were gifted instead with an obligatory imagination-the "clubhouse" was little more than a large refrigerator box with haphazardly cut windows and doors (due to our horrendous cutting skills- hypothetically.) I mustn't forget to mention the finger painted exterior modelling every hue of pink and red one could devise by mixing, blending and shaking the basically non-fancy four provided options. Add the finishing touch of ten dollars worth of mirrored, sparkly and scratch and sniff stickers purchased from the sticker store (NOT Things Remembered. WAY before scrap-booking was "invented" Think...Units and Merry Go Round, two scrunchies and the Go-gos and if you don't get these allusions-I STILL think you're pretty, just shake your head and say yes). Final addition crusty "grass-like" indoor-outdoor rug from under the garage steps that was dragged to the "door" that busted off shortly after it's creation, as well as every blanket a girl had to her name. Enough about the decor- the key to the club house was the rules.

As every Club Member is well aware, the Club Founder gets to make the rules. There was somewhat of a Democratic process involved. That is if by "Democratic", we are referring to the Club Founder feigning interest in what the CM's have to say and then continuing the vigorous crayola marker scribbling on poster board of what she is CERTAIN are the perfect rules. Things like:

1. The clubhouse is reserved for Club Members.
2. Club Members may only be in the clubhouse when the Club Founder is present.
3. Nothing may be added to/taken from the clubhouse decor without the permission of the Club Founder. This includes Club Members.
4. Play nice-and by nice I mean play what the Club Founder wants to play-when and how she wants it played.
5. Club meets everyday after school that we don't have anything better to do and certainly you wouldn't have ANYTHING better to do.
6. All final decisions on the addition of new Club Members are to be decided by the Club Founder.
7. The Club Founder may singly vote you out of the club for any reason without explanation.
8. The Club Founder may (and often will) alter the club rules at any time without notifying other Club Members. Obviously no vote is necessary. Creative interpretation of any and all rules by the Club Founder is to be expected.

Sounds fun! Right?

There was a little pink am/fm radio that only tuned stations halfway, dancing, bike adventures, the occasional crap (I mean craft) and membership had it's privileges...That and the Club Founder was pretty spectacular...(insert evil delusional laugh here).

Suffice to say that the Club House phase of my life was short lived. I have always thought boys were better at this teensy weensy aspect of childhood because of that carefree attitude that so charming in boyhood often translates to cluelessness in adulthood.

Our femininity that radiates silky smooth, shimmery and vulnerable- reacts warrior princessy to our club rules and boundaries being violated. This is due to our deep seeded belief that there IS a right way to do things. Our way.

Think about your old club house rules...

Have any of them changed?

Most of mine remained the same although my club house offers better accommodations/perks smells enrapturingly delicious and my rule delivery has perfected with practice. I SO have them knocking down the door to get in.