April 27, 2009

Reasons Why Coffee is More Satisfying Than Boys...Sometimes

Okay so I am sitting at the table today with my three year old daughter. We are both "reading..." you know about princesses, talking animals and vampires. Note to self. Branch out...Me a cup of coffee in hand, her a Dora cup with that savory juice water mix that I give her so her teeth don't rot. Ewww! (The backwoods teeth theme to Deliverance being strummed in the background...not the juice concoction). Anyway, I notice her eying my coffee which she does a couple of times a week. At which point I generally remind her that caffeine is for grown ups... Blah blah blah. You know, in that way we copy our parents in a vain attempt to explain that as adults we can do things that are bad for us if we want to. I am quite certain that during such speeches I am transformed into Charlie Brown's teacher. Droning on in my daughter's head .You know, Wahwahwahwwhwahwah....

So she is looking at my coffee the wistful way she looks at my lip gloss collection and says in a voice much like that of Cindy Lou Who's..."Maybe when I am big as you ( one of her favorite games to play)- then I can drink coffee WITH you sometimes.. Not now though because little kids can't have caffeine." When she says things like this it is with that longing tone kids say "I wish I knew what that tastes like -" say when a stranger dares to partake of a cookie in their presence. Precious right? So we have a date, when she is old enough that caffeine won't stunt her growth, she and I will go for coffee- for now she has to settle for watery juice or a milk steamer.

Anyway- this of course brought to mind my coffee passion. Which gave me this idea, which I probably should have given it back. Y'know- "thanks but no thanks.." BUT I didn't. So here it is. Reasons Why Coffee is (Sometimes) More Lovable Than Boys... ( the grown variety) This is not a man hating thing at all... Just that- coffee completes me. Heehee. Atleast before two p.m. After that I complete myself.

1. Coffee is Predictable - in the BEST way.- Made to order. Served steamy hot OR icy cold. Sweet or bitter,smoothe or straightforward. Sophisticated or simple. Haha European, Brazilian, Jamaican...take your pick. Regardless- you know exactly what you're getting because you ordered it that way.

2. Coffee mixes well with your girlfriends and shopping. Need I say more? Also it doesn't remind you that you have fifty MAC shadows at home already and only two eyes to apply it to. Coffee understands.

3. Coffee only wakes you up when you want it to.

4. You can find the perfect cup of joe on the first attempt. No fuss. And at a drive-through no less. Talk about instant gratification.

5. Coffee warms you up whenever asked and doesn't complain that your feet are too cold. And REALLY? Man up. Hypothetically...

6. You give your coffee lip all the time and you never have to worry about starting a nonsensical argument. In fact, it gives you a melty kiss in return. Now if only we could teach it the hair tug.

7. Coffee doesn't interrupt you when you're reading to ask if it has clean socks. Coffee appreciates that while being a woman is a glorious, beautiful, complex and fabulous thing that comes with inmeasurable benefits-being utilized as a tracking device is not one of them. Why can boys NEVER find things again? :) Maybe the Myth Buster team should try to defunct that one- good luck.

8. Coffee is eager to please you...in a Jane Austen Victorian romance kind of way- not in a fetch you your paper kind of way. Awww... When the Internet finishes it's serial slayings of printed media, will puppies fetch I- Macs? Sad visual. What about the Times famous crossword- what will become of that?

9. Coffee is flexible. It doesn't care that you change your mind all the time. Craves it even. It also doesn't balk at being covered in cream, splenda and sugar free syrup. Nothing wrong with that.

10. Java only passes steam and then it smells like peppermint, vanilla or caramel. It doesn't have fingers or laugh afterward. Enough said. Hhmmm.. Coffee really IS fabulous, right?

My Poor Little Bug. Perhaps hot cocoa with pink mashmallows will suffice until she is " big as me." But now... Time for another cup. Mmmmm...;) ;).

April 26, 2009

Elizabethtown...My Dearest Mr. Crowe

My Dearest Mr.Crowe,

Let me begin by throwing my own personal celebration in honor of your immeasurable genius. The muses have bestowed upon you more than your fair share of creative gifts. I am certainly not complaining, I am grateful, in fact. Grateful that you use your powers for good and share them with the masses. Myself of course, being a humbly awed member of the masses.

That said, in spite of our being complete strangers, I have something to ask of you. Sorry- it's this thing I do and I won't forgive myself for not at least making the attempt. I have placed my request in a diamond dish, doused it in pearly whipped cream, showered it in pretty please and cascaded it in rubied cherries. Mmmmm...Yummy...(holding spoon out) hear TASTE it...Okay...while your mouth is full...let me verbalize my teeny little wish for you...(kneeling down and gazing hopefully into his eccentrically electrified eyes)...

Write me...I mean, make my movie?

please, Please, PLEASE....I am not in the habit of begging. I mean I never, EVER do. But THIS could be monumentally significant. At least to me.

Don't answer right away- let it percolate. Play with those cherries for a bit- roll them around on your tongue- (I TOTALLY laced them with "There Is No Saying No To Me Serum")staining your lips with their pungent red deliciousness...

Here is my end of the deal. If you see fit to grace me with your gifts, I promise to continue my quirky quest of all things fascinating, real and inspiring. And you can cast me and enhance me and make me endearingly and irresistibly captivating. Something everyone strives for-but hoping I am the most convincing and possibly the first to think to ask this of you.

Anyway, that IS what you do best. So obviously what you were placed on this earth to do. Work your magic. You paint your subject with such intuitiveness that their humanity glows under the tender mastered stroke of your tempered brush. Each canvas reveals the bewitching complexities and alluring vulnerabilities of every subject that you are commissioned to COMPLETE (like that shameless Jerry McGuire reference?). Let ME sit for you. Make me SPARKLE...I vow to do my best to return the favor.

So Cam', ahem... I mean... Mr.Crowe. You relax and savor every last drop of the bejewelled sundae I prepared for you and consider my proposal. I will rub your neck and gush shamelessly and unabashedly about how much I ADORED Elizabethtown. Yes, I know that it was released a few years ago. See how um...provocative and multi faceted I could be? Riveting even. Typically movies are reviewed upon release-but I was saving it...in order to savor every nuance...to be untarnished by the unsolicited opinions of the less worldly, less perceptive mass members. And I am overjoyed that I did because I got to discover it on my own. Much more fulfilling that way. But now, after a second viewing- I cannot hoard it awayin secrecy any longer. Time to share it with the class.

Elizabethtown opens with a shipment of recalled athletic shoes being returned to a warehouse. Cut to Drew Baylor (played intuitively by the well coiffed and impressively non accented Orlando Bloom) reticently boarding a helicopter- lumbering under the world weight he removed from Atlas' shoulders- staring wistfully out the window at the ground below him...beckoning him to jump.

Drew's voice over...

"As somebody once said, there is a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is simply the non presence of success. Any fool can accomplish failure. But a FIASCO- a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to others that make other people feel more alive because it DIDN'T HAPPEN TO THEM..."

We learn that Drew has sacrificed family social and other professional endeavors in his single goal to create the perfect trainer shoe. Before it is officially released however, the shoe is recalled. Drew is held personally responsible by his boss (played humorously by Alec Baldwin- wonder why he plays a tool so well. Hmmm?) for the company's loss of nearly one BILLION dollars and is asked to publicly take responsibility in an interview to a National Publication that will not be leaked/released for one week. Aware of his own impending doom before the rest of the world is made aware.Time to prepare oneself? Or torment oneself?

As a result of his failure, Drew has lost not only the seven years he has invested in the development of Spasmodica (Said recalled shoe) but he loses everything. His Job, his dreams, his ambition, his hope, his office girlfriend (who just so happens to be Jessica Biel . I think that having and losing her would have been reason enough to propel most men deprived of parachutes from the helicopter window. To me she will always be Mary Camden). Life as Drew knows it is over.

So Drew drags himself back home and purges his worldly possessions, leaving them on the street to be taken by celebratory looters. He then attempts to end himself by means of duct taping a very sharp knife onto the moving arm of his workout equipment. Like a slasher film gone awry...death by knife wielding elliptical seems like harsh and bizarre punishment. Just as Drew is about to unceremoniously bid the cruel world goodbye...his cell phone rings out" I can turn your grey skies blue" ...After ignoring it once and getting an immediate callback, " I can turn your grey skies blue"....Drew finally picks up. His distraught sister, Heather Baylor (played by Judy Greer) is on the other end of the line. tearfully breaking the news that their father passed when visiting Elizabethtown and the family needs him to go there to bring his body back home.

Hesitantly, Drew delays what he considers his imminent date with destiny and flies home to console his mother and sister and to retrieve his father's favorite blue suit. He then heads out on an empty red eye flight to Elizabethtown and carry out his reconnaissance mission so he can return home to cease his existence. Enter flight attendant Claire Colburn. Interestingly casted as Kirsten Dunst- Let me take a moment here Mr. Crowe (mouth gaping at your infinite skill) marvelling that you even manage to make her believable and LOVABLE. (Ready for another sundae? EXTRA cherries. Yes? That's my Good Genius)

I also need to take a pause for redirection as the winds have changed and shifted my focus yet again. Hahaha...In appreciation of the subtle greatness and the intricate balance of subtle nuance and raw emotion of this film. To model a pinch of the absolute artistry of thematic and character development shaped so precisely in your capable hands, Mr. Crowe...Because of this film's depth...its' relevancy-I now realize that the mere description of this film would be like reading the Cliff's Notes to Hamlet-and expecting the same cathartic result. Or listening to the muzak version of American Pie, or humming Jimmy Hendrix, sketching The Kiss...There simply is no doing it justice.

Allow me instead to share some of my favorite lines...No one alive today speaks truth like you. In no particular order I present you with your own AWESOMENESS: Quoting the movie is the only way to do shed any kind of light on it's glory.

Go ahead marvel at your own craft. Impossible not to. (Wiping gooey cherry juice from his chin...)

Drew Baylor: And I thought I was so mysterious...

Claire Colburn: Trust me. Everybody is less mysterious than they think they are.

Ellen Kishmore: Drew, it was real, and it was great, and it was really great.

Bill Banyon: Is there such a thing as partial cremation?

Claire Colburn: Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?
Drew Baylor: You have no idea.

Claire Colburn: Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room.

Claire Colburn: I think I've been asleep most of my life.
Drew Baylor: Me too.

Claire Colburn: What they say is, it *will* hit you, it could be ten minutes or it could be ten years from now.

Claire Colburn: [voiceover] Don't get lost!
Drew Baylor: You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this
[kisses Claire]

Drew Baylor: What is that word...? Whimsical!

Claire Colburn: I am wearing these clothes- I mean, have you ever had unlucky clothes? This dress that you like-good things have not happened to me in this dress. But I saw it tonight and said "I am going to give you one more chance." and I REFUSE to be let down by this dress again."

Drew Baylor: Ben's very lucky, all we did was kiss.
Claire Colburn: Most of the sex I've had in my life was not as personal as that kiss.
Drew Baylor: And don't worry. Because as great as you look tonight, you are safe with me.

Claire Colburn: [voice over] Some music *needs* air. Roll down your window.

Claire Colburn: I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

Drew Baylor: I've just recently decided that the things we know aren't black and white.

Claire Colburn: And so we all became helpers, which I *so* can't help. I can't help helping.

Claire Colburn: I've spent so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem, that I forget what the problem *actually* was.

Drew Baylor: You're smart, you'll just wear your shoes and *never* ask any questions. Just enjoy your footwear.

Claire Colburn: To have never taken a solitary road trip across country? I mean every body's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music.

Chuck Hasboro: Death and life. And death and life. Right *next door* to each other! There's like, there's a hair between them.

Drew Baylor: Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks.

Drew Baylor: I'm not used to girl's like you.
Claire Colburn: That's because I am one of a kind.

Claire Colburn: You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it and proceed.

Drew Baylor: Can you imagine an entire life wrapped up in a shoe?

Hollie Baylor: All forward motion counts.

Claire Colburn: I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.

Hollie Baylor: It takes time to be funny. It takes time to extract joy from life.

Claire Colburn: I'm walking out the door... in last night's clothes.

Claire Colburn: Hey, now we actually have a shot at being friends for the rest of our lives.
Drew Baylor: The rest of our lives... hmmmm...

Claire Colburn: Welcome to the annual meeting of people who annually meet, and we'll see ya'll next year.

Claire Colburn: Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free.

Claire Colburn: So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling.

Hollie Baylor: We were complete opposites and it worked. And something happened between us that was not part of the plan... we were in love.

Drew Baylor: In that moment, I knew success, not greatness, was the only god the world served.

Hollie Baylor: I was still waiting for everything to start, and now it's over.

Claire Colburn: I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them.

I have this unique thing for you...

Claire Colburn: You know, You're always trying to break up with me, and we're not even together.
Drew Baylor: I know... We're not?

Drew Baylor: I'm fine.

Jessie Baylor: This loss will be met with a hurricane of love.

Jessie Baylor: I teach my kids about the things that really matter. I will teach them about Abraham Lincoln and Ronnie Van Zandt, because they are equally important in my house.

Drew Baylor: You're great, Claire. Actually, you're kinda amazing.

Claire Colburn: [after learning that Drew's father is Mitch] Ah, so you're a son of a Mitch.

Claire Colburn: Never met a Mitch I didn't like. Fun, full of life. Like... everyone wants to be a part of Mitch's club.

Drew Baylor: We should've taken this trip years ago.
Look at us- you with your many almost great projects and me with my fiasco. Oh God! Both of us working SO hard. For what? We should have taken this trip years ago...and the fact that I am going home to kill myself, is really not your fault." Spoken to his father's urn as he drives it across country spreading his ashes.

Hollie Baylor: [looking at a picture of Mitch] I love you. This is for you. Your favorite song on a Saturday night.
[Moon River plays] Then Susan Sarandon tap dances...she is made for this type of role.

(text written on a cloth above the stage): If it wasn't this... it'd be something else.

Drew Baylor: And who says we have to listen to 'them'?
Claire Colburn: *They* do!

Claire Colburn: Just tell me you love me and get it over with!

Phil DeVoss: I am ill-equipped in the philosophies of failure.

Claire Colburn: Life cannot be so cruel that we don't deserve to be together... to eat.

Drew Baylor: As a specialist in the field of last looks- this one- was pretty iconically- Claire.

Drew Baylor: By the way, I didn't say 'million,' I said 'billion.' A billion dollars; that's a lot of million.

Claire Colburn: Or look for a girl in a red had who is waiting for you with an alternate plan.

Drew Baylor closes with: No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. The motto of the British Special Service Airforce is:

Those who risk, win.

A single vine chute is able to grow through cement.

The Pacific Northwestern Salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current with a single purpose- (sex of course), but also...


Heeheehee...There it is! NEARLY all that I love about Elizabethtown. Think I quoted the entire screenplay. UNBELIEVABLE! The entire script is unbelievable and unforgettable. WOW...the way you bring love to vivid technicolor cinematic life.

You spoil girls for the real boys. They can't all be Lloyds and Drews.

So...Mr. Crowe. Cameron- I appreciate your work too much to use such formality...what do you say?

In the words of Claire,

"I know- I'm impossible to forget, but I am hard to remember."

If you would see fit to toss in one of those killer soundtracks and unbelievable American landscapes...Put some Crowe-wise words into my mouth...(I don't LET anyone speak for me)... I am ACTUALLY pleading with you to...

I just thought you might help me remedy the "hard to remember part"

There is no forgetting your own masterpiece.

Of course...you can answer after your cherry drunkenness allows you to speak...

April 18, 2009

Oh Those Things...That Don't Make Sense

As adults we are prone to try to make sense of things. It gives us comfort to know that the people and the duties and the living of life can be straightened and tidied, explained and compartmentalized. We desperately desire for the elements of our chaotic universe to add up-to fit together.

Life is messy and sometimes the numbers don't equate no matter how many times we carry the one. And the colors won't blend-they clash no matter how we try to scheme them. Occasionally the pieces that make us up refuse to fit- And then what? Do we abandon them or take the trip?

If you have experienced faith in a Higher Power-you have by now come to terms with the fact that while your brain feels the need to sift through the information, you certainly cannot explain faith using solely logic. Faith is a well rounded experience. Solid because it engages your mind and your soul. Just like you can't adequately explain a timeless piece of music that plays your pain note for note- word for word. Or describe the play or the book that effortlessly brought you to life and gave yourself back to you. The painting that is so flawlessly beautiful that you gasp in awe and tear even now as it's essence haunts you. Certainly you can attempt to describe any of these with logic and words, but without the experience the definition falls pathetically and unjustly short.

If you have ever been unfathomably, unfalteringly, heart over head in love or have been genuinely, unselfishly adored and cherished by another- then you could not be more keenly aware that the initial attraction passes through the eyes and spreads to the brain and depends on the mental challenge and engagement to sustain the intrigue. At some point however, the heart takes over and puts the brain on auto pilot. Enter the overwhelming, the ravenous inexplicable... The kind of unanswerable question that keeps you hanging on even if the object of your desire and affection tears your heart out so you can watch them slowly squash it in their seemingly faultless hands. Or maybe- if your lucky...let's not mince words- if you happen to have won the eternal lottery...love has indefinably inspired another to SEE you. Allow you to lay yourself down on them with all your faults and simple complexities-in the brutal light of honesty and still you see nothing but radiant, infallible acceptance and desire reflected in their eyes. Explanation would destroy something so utterly undeserved.

True gifts should just be accepted. Without our vain attempts for clarification.

Hope. Love. Compassion, Faith. Passion. Forgiveness. Beauty. All inexplicable. Yet how foolish would we be to abandon these things the mind cannot explain. Aren't we giving our brains too much credit? I mean...I cannot seem to recall what year it was that Columbus sailed the ocean blue... rhymes with two...and how do you discover a place that has inhabitants? Or square roots...or Spanish verb conjugations. I could fill a library with the things that I don't know.

The tastiest, deepest, most poignant experiences in life are inexplicable.

Maybe...there are times when we should stop questioning the unanswerable.



Just might be worth getting our hands dirty and putting our thoughts to bed.

April 16, 2009

Five Things That I Can Successfully Accomplish in Five Minutes

Like so many others, I find myself jobless in these trying, uncertain, turbulent, listless, unsettled times. Really, for the first time. For the first time since I have had an actual necessity for a job.

I have observed that my unemployed days go by in a general blur. Officially unemployed, it is not as though I nothing to otherwise employ my time, occupy my mind. Or should it be employ my mind and occupy my time?

Days are marked by my son's school schedule and whatever meager social plans are on the books. Shopping is out. No job- no new shoes. Not that I NEED new shoes. Is it about needing. Really? Haha I am okay with it- truly. Changing old habits is all. Staying home more.

Actuality isn't all it's cracked up to be. On a sunshiny day though-I find a new perspective refreshing. A motivation for reevaluating- sometimes reinventing. Strange as it may be however, this unexpected free time leaves me much more restless, than bored. There is always something captivating and distracting to ward off boredom. This restlessness finds me constantly trying to find innovative, interesting, yet constructive ways to break up the day.

So meet the brain baby of Restlessness...For now I am calling her...Eva- as in am I Eva going to figure it all out? Deep down, I hope not... But sometimes it seems that uncomplicated is pleasant albeit personally unattainable.

And so I try to be constructive.. Clean a little-cook (even I am laughing) and maybe even organize. Hahaha..,( laughing uncontrollably now- tears rolling down my face...)TRY is the operative word. Actually I have refined skills at alphabetizing, color coding... Organizing by style- it is the steps leading up to that point that I don't adore- correction- chemically resist.

Without further adieu ( or blah, blah, blah) here are five tasks that I can successfully accomplish in five minutes. Little micro- increments of day. Keep in mind that I am not speedy by any means. I am a take it in, take my sweet time savorer. I am a strong believer in anything worthwhile is worth waiting for and unless you are the actual boss of me- that you are not the boss of me.

I am banking on being worthwhile. Cross your fingers for me and hope that works out.

1. Decisions are tricky for me. Especially the insignificant ones. Also I thrive on variety... Does that make me fickle? Noncommittal? Indecisive? Whatever. Really doesn't matter. It is what it is. So- In five minutes... I can successfully select an outfit, choose a lip gloss, coordinate the shoes, grab a scarf and dig out a matching pair of earrings. This time constraint does not obviously include putting them into place. Be reasonable. I do of course realize that this is not particularly impressive, but it is practically a festivus miracle for me that developed with years of practice and fine tuning. Keep in mind that this involves two flights of stairs and some serious selective skills.

2. I can choose and discard action verbs for my resume like no body's business. Resumes seem so hokey to me. Understand why they are necessary. I just find them... restrictive. The process makes me feel like I am talking about myself in the third person...btw I hate when people do that. How significant can you really be?!- Did you see the Seinfeld about that? Think the guy's name was Jimmy. And "Jimmy liked Elaine"-only she thought he was talking about someone else- not himself. So anyway-here is my current top five action verbs that describe me... Heehee. You be the judge. Thirty second impression. Ready? Here goes...
1. Challenging 2. Innovative 3.Accessorizing? 4. Um... Mildly entertaining
I am hardworking and dedicated... But that is so cliche.

How marketable am I? Really?
Not very- true story. I have this unbridled optimism that allows me to believe that perfect fits exist in every aspect of life. Realistically however, I know that our humanity and selfish ambitions often blind us to and separate us from the serendipitous, coveted hand in glove relationships in life.

I can use the same five minutes on a different day to make up jobs and titles for which I am perfectly suited. Many of them don't ACTUALLY exist- but if they did- I would be the PERFECT girl for them. Minor technicalities. I will save that for another blog.

3. I can think of twenty seemingly unrelated things that are linkable in my own interpretation of reality. I take great pride in being able to trace the connection should I be thinking out loud and should anyone be listening and call me on the seeming randomness- ramdomitity? of my thought processes. Sometimes I trace the mind journey for myself. I know there is a connection- but it is not always immediately traceable. A bit of a self indulgent challenge... This cyclical process that is occasionally responsible for keeping my weary eyes open when my heavy head is cradled soothingly by my vanilla lavender infused pillow. One thought begets another, befriends another, embraces yet another, tempts another, screams in fury at one- contradicts another, interprets the next...chases the monstrous ones back under the brain bed..I find that I write a lot about my busied mind. Sorry...analytical- maybe. Inquisitive- more likely. Unsettled- mostly. I can remember early on in school wishing I could zone out- mind nowhere- like the kids with their heads leaning on their arm eyes glazed over. Temporarily vacant.

4. I can make the perfect cup of coffee. My perfect cup. Something rich and dark- maybe flavored. Had cherry coffee recently. Steamy, dreamy deliciousness. Splenda and enough flavored creamer to turn it the color of the Statue of David. You can tell me how to make your perfect cup one day. Confident I can craft it with my own two little hands in five minutes or less. Not a barista, but I have the soul of an artist nonetheless.

I think that personal preference, coffee, tea- iced or hot... What you take in yours- be it naked (meaning your coffee wears nothing- I.e. black) vanilla, cinnamon, honey, raw sugar, splenda, pink stuff- no matter...I think it is interesting- revealing even. I DO find people fascinating. I like learning new things, experiencing new people. Some more than others. Another blog, another day- I know...

5. Dance it out or sing it out. Preferably a concoction of the two. Temporarily therapeutic and cleansing. I already inflicted a whole blog on you describing the art of dancing it out. I am not particularly discerning when it comes to the music that inspires this process...whatever is on the radio will do. It helps if the song is familiar- comforting- like a favorite perfectly worn sweater. Even better if you know at least eighty percent of the words. Mandatory to the process though, is that you fully commit. Go all out- put some heart into it. No rules as long as you feel it. Otherwise it doesn't work it's magic- will leave you feeling more pent up and repressed than liberated and cleansed. That is a bad thing. SO not what we are going for here.

So that's pretty much it... I can make much more out of ten minutes. I realized while I was coming up with this list that my day is comprised of long spaces and short bursts of energy and productivity broken up by lulls of nothing special.

What can you successfully accomplish in a mere five minutes?


Take my breath away...

April 5, 2009

Fast and Furious...Worth it's Weight in Diesel

Gentlemen Start My Engine...

Vvrrrooommmm, Vrrroooommmm, Vrrroooooommmmmm...

Heehee-Sorry, that simply was NOT to be resisted. Too obvious. I would be a lesser girl for passing it up.

Went to see Fast and Furious yesterday...I have been chomping at the bit to see it (or I would have been, had I been a horse-Why DO I use these expressions anyway?) since I saw the preview for it and witnessed first hand that Vin Diesel WOULD (round off, cartwheel into splits) in fact be in this one...COMPLETELY the most persuasive element for me. I sat the two sequels following the original out because they did not include the original cast. There was a little nod to the Tokyo one at the beginning of Fast and Furious that I caught without having seen it-very impressed with my skills of observation. So, I am easily impressed...at least with myself. Why I like Ellen and John Stewart...feel clever when I get their jokes in real time. Other than that little reference,this F&F pretended the other cheap impersonation knock-off movies never happened. Well played since nobody saw them. Okay so Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez and the girl who plays Vin's sister and will make a career of looking a bit like Demi Moore-I mean, Jordana Brewster- all back for Fast and Furious. Do you like how they removed the "The's" and pretended it was an all new title? Action movies are by definition uncomplicated. They would lose seventy percent of their audience if they started throwing in fifty cent words and sub plots. This movie was exactly what the title promises however, Fast and Furious. Ca-ching! Triple cherries.

Let me just say that previous to yesterday, I had given up action movies (for a minimum of five years). Not for lent- I am not Catholic- (can you give action movies up for lent? Pretend you ACTUALLY like them...) but for the following reasons...I feel myself drifting into a cliche tinted de ja vous coma every time I witness the same five or so actors deliver the same predictable lines ( I predicted at least five in F&F before they were uttered -correction...Vin purrs them-like an engine. SO MUCH BETTER x-)) All the same "plot" lines...for example- heroes girlfriend, wife, or endearing family member is killed or kidnapped by villain. Hero is wrongly accused of a crime by a corrupt police force. Hero from the wrong side of the tracks get tangled with the wrong kind of crowd...Hero is a bad guy with a heart of gold...bad guy gone good...blah, blah, blah. Bank robberies ,car chases, plane crashes, jail breaks, heists. Loss of a partner or good friend at the hands of the foe to provoke the hero. Obvious guilt on the part of the hero...giving him a renewed hunger for justice. Gratuitous skin shots thrown in for flavor..Followed by shoot shoot-grisly offing of assistant bad guy boom kabaam...Hero gets his revenge when coming face to face with his disturbingly corrupt nemesis (these are of the crooked police chief, foreign drug lord, hero partner gone to the dark side...handsome Bond type villain...or devily gorgeous leather clad villainess variety. Frequently however, villains have deep facial scarring or are albino, or have some other bizarre identifying manifestation of their inner turmoil.)...drop, punch, slam, sirens, bang, fiery explosion...

Insert memorable three to five line catch phrase that with any luck will be badly impersonated for years to come and you have yourself an action hit. If your action movie stars Nicholas Cage- add horribly executed southern dialect...why do they add that when it is irrelevant and the actor can't pull it off? Why? They just don't care-people with see it anyway. Irrelevant. Who needs quality when you have fast cars, muscly heroes, hot scantily clad chicks, grizzly villains, fabulous scenery, lots of fire and violence...a few well choreographed fist fights, a story line and script that could be written by an eighth grader with a limitless major studio budget? I guess no one,...except me- I usually opt for the Action Films mature and oh so much more enticing older brother- the Epic Film. That way I get my cake and eat it too...only the butter cream icing...

I am not even going to delve into the earthly disaster films. Why pay money to see that...Got CNN? Pretty sure sensationalizing news and impersonating disaster films is the soul purpose of Anderson Cooper...Toss in Geraldo Rivera for the spontaneous, comedic element and voile obliterates any inexplicable need for disaster movies.

So the point. Fast and Furious. Dom and his gang- with some new additions as many of the original group met an untimely end in THE Fast and THE Furious- not to cause any confusion- are not only stealing cars, they are stealing gasoline. Way to bring theft relevance into the year 2009... Dom eventually leaves Letty, his friends and his family to protect them because the feds are on his tail...and why wouldn't they be? Right? We ARE talking Vin Diesel...admirable tail. Sorry! Focusing... Paul Walkers character is still the loose canon, driven man in blue...sorta' sometimes donning a blue Donna Karan or Boss suit- does that count?...Btw- even in man size-Paul Walker (as Brian O'Conner) brings forth visions of Ricky Shroeder when he was on Silver Spoons, Zach from Saved by the Bell and Justin Timberlake in his curly long hair like the boy in the creepy adolescent Brooke Shield island movie N'Sync days...I think it is an age thing. That- or he is made to look like the JV squad bench sitter in the glory of Vin's machismo gladiator grease stained mechanic type shadow. I don't want to give too much away. Obviously the two are reunited...they race against each other in an illegal street race scene and of course true to the name- lots of sizzling driving scenes with brightly colored, revvy, purry, hummy, noisy,turny,jumpy,crashy,super shiny,ultra fast cars doing all sorts of unbelievable tricks and stunts that made me shiver. Things that I have no inclination to do behind the wheel of a Honda Pilot, but I would gladly hand over the keys to Dom...as long as he promised to keep talking in that voice that sounds like he ate gravel and broken glass for breakfast followed by a carton or two of Camels...unfiltered. He can recite the preamble if he wishes...but if I had my druthers...(another funny word) I think I would pick Prince lyrics...pre symbol...or Neruda, or Crash by Dave Matthews, something by Jay-Z...Maybe Fast Car by Tracy Chapman...and wear a white ribbed wife beater...Pure-strike that- drizzled...in Deisel-iciousness...That's not asking too much. Just the cat's pajamas- told you I was bringing it back. Hear me roar...

Anyway a must see- in a purely entertainment and thrills kind of way.

Get your engine revved.