Time Alone

Thinking today that the way I view time alone is extremely subjective. The only time that I am ever really alone is late at night, I spend the rest of the time with my Little Monkeys and on the phone and computer for work-running back and forth to God knows where..the usual.

So...when I actually am alone, I do not want to do any of the things that I should be doing, like tidying the house or finishing up the days' work...or even reading...instead, I poor a glass of wine and try to decide which pointless television show I will watch tonight...If I fall asleep, I am actually irritated that I missed out on MY time. That sounds so Oprah-ish of me...haha

Anyway on to the subjective part, my husband runs a seasonal business and I spend the season being emotionally worn out because I run the house single handedly. Knowing full well that tons of women do it and most probably do a more complete job than me...but I feel lonely. Typical man style, he is not super hands on with the babies or the most communicative person you will ever meet...but I miss his presence...I really have no other adults in my life to vent to.

When he comes back-i almost resent his presence. As tired as I get...the kids and I get into a groove and although we miss him, there is always a transition period when the season ends...

Perhaps then, it is not so much that my view is subjective- but that if I am alone by choice I feel recharged and rewarded and if it is not of my choosing, I feel alone and resentful...

Haha...verbal processing is my thing. Thanks to verbal processing I identified the differance between being alone and independent and being alone and lonely...and guess what? It doesn't change anything.

Such is life- with its' blank realizations...