Elizabethtown...My Dearest Mr. Crowe

My Dearest Mr.Crowe,

Let me begin by throwing my own personal celebration in honor of your immeasurable genius. The muses have bestowed upon you more than your fair share of creative gifts. I am certainly not complaining, I am grateful, in fact. Grateful that you use your powers for good and share them with the masses. Myself of course, being a humbly awed member of the masses.

That said, in spite of our being complete strangers, I have something to ask of you. Sorry- it's this thing I do and I won't forgive myself for not at least making the attempt. I have placed my request in a diamond dish, doused it in pearly whipped cream, showered it in pretty please and cascaded it in rubied cherries. Mmmmm...Yummy...(holding spoon out) hear TASTE it...Okay...while your mouth is full...let me verbalize my teeny little wish for you...(kneeling down and gazing hopefully into his eccentrically electrified eyes)...

Write me...I mean, make my movie?

please, Please, PLEASE....I am not in the habit of begging. I mean I never, EVER do. But THIS could be monumentally significant. At least to me.

Don't answer right away- let it percolate. Play with those cherries for a bit- roll them around on your tongue- (I TOTALLY laced them with "There Is No Saying No To Me Serum")staining your lips with their pungent red deliciousness...

Here is my end of the deal. If you see fit to grace me with your gifts, I promise to continue my quirky quest of all things fascinating, real and inspiring. And you can cast me and enhance me and make me endearingly and irresistibly captivating. Something everyone strives for-but hoping I am the most convincing and possibly the first to think to ask this of you.

Anyway, that IS what you do best. So obviously what you were placed on this earth to do. Work your magic. You paint your subject with such intuitiveness that their humanity glows under the tender mastered stroke of your tempered brush. Each canvas reveals the bewitching complexities and alluring vulnerabilities of every subject that you are commissioned to COMPLETE (like that shameless Jerry McGuire reference?). Let ME sit for you. Make me SPARKLE...I vow to do my best to return the favor.

So Cam', ahem... I mean... Mr.Crowe. You relax and savor every last drop of the bejewelled sundae I prepared for you and consider my proposal. I will rub your neck and gush shamelessly and unabashedly about how much I ADORED Elizabethtown. Yes, I know that it was released a few years ago. See how um...provocative and multi faceted I could be? Riveting even. Typically movies are reviewed upon release-but I was saving it...in order to savor every nuance...to be untarnished by the unsolicited opinions of the less worldly, less perceptive mass members. And I am overjoyed that I did because I got to discover it on my own. Much more fulfilling that way. But now, after a second viewing- I cannot hoard it awayin secrecy any longer. Time to share it with the class.

Elizabethtown opens with a shipment of recalled athletic shoes being returned to a warehouse. Cut to Drew Baylor (played intuitively by the well coiffed and impressively non accented Orlando Bloom) reticently boarding a helicopter- lumbering under the world weight he removed from Atlas' shoulders- staring wistfully out the window at the ground below him...beckoning him to jump.

Drew's voice over...

"As somebody once said, there is a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is simply the non presence of success. Any fool can accomplish failure. But a FIASCO- a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to others that make other people feel more alive because it DIDN'T HAPPEN TO THEM..."

We learn that Drew has sacrificed family social and other professional endeavors in his single goal to create the perfect trainer shoe. Before it is officially released however, the shoe is recalled. Drew is held personally responsible by his boss (played humorously by Alec Baldwin- wonder why he plays a tool so well. Hmmm?) for the company's loss of nearly one BILLION dollars and is asked to publicly take responsibility in an interview to a National Publication that will not be leaked/released for one week. Aware of his own impending doom before the rest of the world is made aware.Time to prepare oneself? Or torment oneself?

As a result of his failure, Drew has lost not only the seven years he has invested in the development of Spasmodica (Said recalled shoe) but he loses everything. His Job, his dreams, his ambition, his hope, his office girlfriend (who just so happens to be Jessica Biel . I think that having and losing her would have been reason enough to propel most men deprived of parachutes from the helicopter window. To me she will always be Mary Camden). Life as Drew knows it is over.

So Drew drags himself back home and purges his worldly possessions, leaving them on the street to be taken by celebratory looters. He then attempts to end himself by means of duct taping a very sharp knife onto the moving arm of his workout equipment. Like a slasher film gone awry...death by knife wielding elliptical seems like harsh and bizarre punishment. Just as Drew is about to unceremoniously bid the cruel world goodbye...his cell phone rings out" I can turn your grey skies blue" ...After ignoring it once and getting an immediate callback, " I can turn your grey skies blue"....Drew finally picks up. His distraught sister, Heather Baylor (played by Judy Greer) is on the other end of the line. tearfully breaking the news that their father passed when visiting Elizabethtown and the family needs him to go there to bring his body back home.

Hesitantly, Drew delays what he considers his imminent date with destiny and flies home to console his mother and sister and to retrieve his father's favorite blue suit. He then heads out on an empty red eye flight to Elizabethtown and carry out his reconnaissance mission so he can return home to cease his existence. Enter flight attendant Claire Colburn. Interestingly casted as Kirsten Dunst- Let me take a moment here Mr. Crowe (mouth gaping at your infinite skill) marvelling that you even manage to make her believable and LOVABLE. (Ready for another sundae? EXTRA cherries. Yes? That's my Good Genius)

I also need to take a pause for redirection as the winds have changed and shifted my focus yet again. Hahaha...In appreciation of the subtle greatness and the intricate balance of subtle nuance and raw emotion of this film. To model a pinch of the absolute artistry of thematic and character development shaped so precisely in your capable hands, Mr. Crowe...Because of this film's depth...its' relevancy-I now realize that the mere description of this film would be like reading the Cliff's Notes to Hamlet-and expecting the same cathartic result. Or listening to the muzak version of American Pie, or humming Jimmy Hendrix, sketching The Kiss...There simply is no doing it justice.

Allow me instead to share some of my favorite lines...No one alive today speaks truth like you. In no particular order I present you with your own AWESOMENESS: Quoting the movie is the only way to do shed any kind of light on it's glory.

Go ahead marvel at your own craft. Impossible not to. (Wiping gooey cherry juice from his chin...)



Drew Baylor: And I thought I was so mysterious...

Claire Colburn: Trust me. Everybody is less mysterious than they think they are.

Ellen Kishmore: Drew, it was real, and it was great, and it was really great.

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Bill Banyon: Is there such a thing as partial cremation?

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Claire Colburn: Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?
Drew Baylor: You have no idea.

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Claire Colburn: Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room.

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Claire Colburn: I think I've been asleep most of my life.
Drew Baylor: Me too.

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Claire Colburn: What they say is, it *will* hit you, it could be ten minutes or it could be ten years from now.

Claire Colburn: [voiceover] Don't get lost!
Drew Baylor: You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this
[kisses Claire]

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Drew Baylor: What is that word...? Whimsical!

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Claire Colburn: I am wearing these clothes- I mean, have you ever had unlucky clothes? This dress that you like-good things have not happened to me in this dress. But I saw it tonight and said "I am going to give you one more chance." and I REFUSE to be let down by this dress again."

Drew Baylor: Ben's very lucky, all we did was kiss.
Claire Colburn: Most of the sex I've had in my life was not as personal as that kiss.
Drew Baylor: And don't worry. Because as great as you look tonight, you are safe with me.

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Claire Colburn: [voice over] Some music *needs* air. Roll down your window.

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Claire Colburn: I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

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Drew Baylor: I've just recently decided that the things we know aren't black and white.

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Claire Colburn: And so we all became helpers, which I *so* can't help. I can't help helping.

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Claire Colburn: I've spent so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem, that I forget what the problem *actually* was.

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Drew Baylor: You're smart, you'll just wear your shoes and *never* ask any questions. Just enjoy your footwear.

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Claire Colburn: To have never taken a solitary road trip across country? I mean every body's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music.

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Chuck Hasboro: Death and life. And death and life. Right *next door* to each other! There's like, there's a hair between them.

Drew Baylor: Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks.

Drew Baylor: I'm not used to girl's like you.
Claire Colburn: That's because I am one of a kind.

Claire Colburn: You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it and proceed.

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Drew Baylor: Can you imagine an entire life wrapped up in a shoe?

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Hollie Baylor: All forward motion counts.

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Claire Colburn: I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.

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Hollie Baylor: It takes time to be funny. It takes time to extract joy from life.

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Claire Colburn: I'm walking out the door... in last night's clothes.

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Claire Colburn: Hey, now we actually have a shot at being friends for the rest of our lives.
Drew Baylor: The rest of our lives... hmmmm...

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Claire Colburn: Welcome to the annual meeting of people who annually meet, and we'll see ya'll next year.

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Claire Colburn: Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free.

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Claire Colburn: So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling.

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Hollie Baylor: We were complete opposites and it worked. And something happened between us that was not part of the plan... we were in love.

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Drew Baylor: In that moment, I knew success, not greatness, was the only god the world served.

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Hollie Baylor: I was still waiting for everything to start, and now it's over.

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Claire Colburn: I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them.

I have this unique thing for you...

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Claire Colburn: You know, You're always trying to break up with me, and we're not even together.
Drew Baylor: I know... We're not?

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Drew Baylor: I'm fine.

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Jessie Baylor: This loss will be met with a hurricane of love.

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Jessie Baylor: I teach my kids about the things that really matter. I will teach them about Abraham Lincoln and Ronnie Van Zandt, because they are equally important in my house.

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Drew Baylor: You're great, Claire. Actually, you're kinda amazing.

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Claire Colburn: [after learning that Drew's father is Mitch] Ah, so you're a son of a Mitch.

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Claire Colburn: Never met a Mitch I didn't like. Fun, full of life. Like... everyone wants to be a part of Mitch's club.

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Drew Baylor: We should've taken this trip years ago.
Look at us- you with your many almost great projects and me with my fiasco. Oh God! Both of us working SO hard. For what? We should have taken this trip years ago...and the fact that I am going home to kill myself, is really not your fault." Spoken to his father's urn as he drives it across country spreading his ashes.

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Hollie Baylor: [looking at a picture of Mitch] I love you. This is for you. Your favorite song on a Saturday night.
[Moon River plays] Then Susan Sarandon tap dances...she is made for this type of role.

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(text written on a cloth above the stage): If it wasn't this... it'd be something else.


Drew Baylor: And who says we have to listen to 'them'?
Claire Colburn: *They* do!

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Claire Colburn: Just tell me you love me and get it over with!

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Phil DeVoss: I am ill-equipped in the philosophies of failure.

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Claire Colburn: Life cannot be so cruel that we don't deserve to be together... to eat.

Drew Baylor: As a specialist in the field of last looks- this one- was pretty iconically- Claire.

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Drew Baylor: By the way, I didn't say 'million,' I said 'billion.' A billion dollars; that's a lot of million.
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Claire Colburn: Or look for a girl in a red had who is waiting for you with an alternate plan.

Drew Baylor closes with: No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. The motto of the British Special Service Airforce is:

Those who risk, win.

A single vine chute is able to grow through cement.

The Pacific Northwestern Salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current with a single purpose- (sex of course), but also...

LIFE...
*******

Heeheehee...There it is! NEARLY all that I love about Elizabethtown. Think I quoted the entire screenplay. UNBELIEVABLE! The entire script is unbelievable and unforgettable. WOW...the way you bring love to vivid technicolor cinematic life.

You spoil girls for the real boys. They can't all be Lloyds and Drews.

So...Mr. Crowe. Cameron- I appreciate your work too much to use such formality...what do you say?

In the words of Claire,

"I know- I'm impossible to forget, but I am hard to remember."

If you would see fit to toss in one of those killer soundtracks and unbelievable American landscapes...Put some Crowe-wise words into my mouth...(I don't LET anyone speak for me)... I am ACTUALLY pleading with you to...

I just thought you might help me remedy the "hard to remember part"

There is no forgetting your own masterpiece.

Of course...you can answer after your cherry drunkenness allows you to speak...