May 23, 2009

For the Gilles??? Like 'For the Real" Get it?

Okay one more reality show blog and I will have it out of my system-temporarily. From music to mirror balls. Of course I watch Dancing With the Stars as well as American Idol...the list goes on, but for all intents and purposes the mention of these two will suffice. How could I NOT watch it? Just think of all those sequins and glitter AND COSTUMES!!! OOOOhhhhhhhh! Hold me back...almost as alluring as vampires. Almost. Actually that has only a teensy bit to do with my addiction. For a Broadway show/musical loving girl such as my self- I just feel comfy-cozy with over the top glitz and jazz hands. I do have one complaint however-the show's definition of the word "Star" is very loosely interpreted. In fact if it gets any looser I would like to be considered for season twenty one. Not because I have a false sense of my own importance, but because at least a third of the show's contestants are met with a "WHO?" much as the reaction to the announcement of my name would be. For all anyone knows I too am an "F" list pseudo-celebrity of a cable reality show nobody watches. Potato-Potawto...(hopefully phonetic spelling makes that more sensical.)Sort of like the Circus of the Stars definition of "star"...Remember that one? (Welcome to my random, make yourself comfortable let me get you a Shirley Temple).Regardless, the Dancing With the Stars winner was announced this week and alas-America's view of the "best" is on the same level of the shows definition of "star"...to such an nth degree that I had to wonder (once again) if the voters have been watching the same show I have watched all season.

Just in case you were basket weaving or basket balling, working out,washing your hair, travelling, gardening,riding your bike in traffic sporting spandex, tweeting or cleaning your bathroom grout with a toothbrush instead of watching DWTS (gasp)- I will provide you with a few highlights. First Jewel (LOVE her)was supposed to be on the show, but was injured before the show premiered-boo! (Entertainment news personality Nancy O'Dell was also unable to compete due to injury-sort of like the upgraded version of Leeza Gibbons) Although Jewel is so earthy,unplugged, unfussed and flowery I don't imagine she would have been especially fabulous at the whole production of ballroom dancing. A garden fairy dancing the rumba is hard to get a clear picture on...She was replaced by Holly Madison of Girls Next Door and Playboy fame...Holly stepped in at the last minute so she deserved to be cut some slack. Bless her pretty bleach blond silicone enhanced little heart though, no amount of training was going to save her from her lack of musicality and two left feet. Maybe her not being able to see her feet proved a bit of an obstacle? I am not being intentionally catty but she was almost Monica Seles bad... Jewel's husband Ty Murray who is a bull rider was also on the show. Ty was as if from another line dancing planet-out of his element and I found this utterly endearing. He reminded me of a little boy at church on Easter that looks so adorably uncomfortable in the suit and tie his mommy forced him to wear. I believe he made it to the final four for different interpretations of that same reason. Other notable contestants include: Steve-O (Jackass-danced with Lacey. Find her unique and refreshing),Lil'Kim who was impressively capable and like a African-American ex-con, rapper style version of Betty Boop (she danced with Ricky Shroeder-I mean...Derek Hough), Cute as puppies real life couple, fellow country singers and dance partners Chuck Wicks and Julianne Hough, David Alan Greir (In Living Color- and pretty good in an old time movie suave kind of way...just lacked flair. He danced with Kym Johnson), Belinda Carlisle (The Bangles. She danced with Jonathan Roberts-apparently teaching women over forty is his forte), Denise Richards(Wild Things and Starship Troopers. Former wife to Charlie Sheen- Poor baby. Were they EXPECTING her to be good at THIS? She danced with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), Lawrence Taylor (NY Giants Hall of Famer- sorry but as a football fan- even I am getting tired of the football guys on the show. As you shall soon see- ALL athletes seem to inaccurately skew the votes and throw the results. Ability has little to do with it. He danced with Edyta Sliwinska...lucky Lawrence!)and Steve Wozniak (Apple Computer fame-I know as much about him as he knows about dancing but he was somewhere close to Brave heart courageous to take that on. Cheers to that! His partner was Karina Smirnoff. Thankfully she is engaged to Max now, we wouldn't want her to be tempted to hook up with
Steve. He understandably seemed QUITE smitten with her). Then there were the top three...

Would you like these in order of ability or would you prefer them in order of American likability (mainstream America has different taste than I do-WHAT?!?) haha Never mind, I will go with order of elimination...so that would be the second option.

3.In third place was Melissa Rycroft of Bachelor fame. She is the girl that Jason Mesnick picked and then unpicked. Fickle much? Unbelievably I ACTUALLY did not watch this one. I got too far behind and gave it up. Anyway she was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and had some balletic background. Not EXACTLY a novice, but neither are members of boy bands (Joey Mac- we are cool like that, Joey Fatone and Lance Bass)...I don't mind that so much I guess. She stepped in for Nancy O'Dell post injury, her partner was Tony Dovalani. Melissa should have had Shawn's spot in the top two. Her scores and judges comments were consistently superior and based on her abilities that spot was rightfully hers. Melissa is pretty,classy and relatable- all she needed was a little vavavoom which Shawn as a baby of seventeen rightly doesn't have either. Melissa may very well have a back up career in toothpaste adverts due to her ultra white shiny teeth. Almost like the FRIENDS where Ross whitens his teeth and they glow in the dark (I really should watch more TV...)Now that Melissa has two reality based shows under her belt, she could also become a professional "R"Lister ('R' for Reality) like Rob and Amber and the numerous Road Rules/Real World MTV Challenge-Gauntlet peeps that have made a career of non-famed fame. OR her fifteen minutes are up...

2. Gilles Marini of Sex and the City the movie fame. He was Samantha's blatantly sexcapadey neighbor-who I was flabbergasted that she didn't hook up with before returning to New York. We ARE talking Samantha here. Think the point was that she and Smith were the real deal even though it didn't work out...you don't care...Right, so I would be lying as would the rest of the women in the world if I said Gilles wasn't easy on the eyes or failed to admit that he is not a renowned celebrity either. For Nip/Tuck viewers, you will be verklempt to know that Gilles will be playing Vanessa Redgrave's husband in the upcoming season. There is another show I don't watch...See? There ARE a few-Oh he has also appeared on Ugly Betty. Fab show-sadly I couldn't keep up with that one either...ANYWAY...Gilles was the partner of Cheryl Burke. I haven't been a fan of Cheryl's since Drew Lachey- those two were FANTASTIC together. Gilles and Cheryl though...they were explosive on the dance floor. They had this jaw dropping, temperature rising,unbelievably unarguable chemistry like Edward and Bella, like Carrie and Big, like Derek and Meredith, like Scarlet and Rhett, like Noah and Allie...times seven. Gilles made Cheryl look SENSATIONAL! EVERY girl needs a frame that compliments her picture THAT way (like my dance speak? fancy!) AND they were CRAZY good...I can't recall seeing so many tens. Even from Len! The fact that Gilles was a virtual unknown going into the competition and made it to the final two is a testament to his abilities. I am going to mention here that he is French...will be more clearly relevant shortly...stay with me-know it's difficult. Like following the "logic" of Bill Mahr. Sorry for that...

1. Enter the Winner of the DWTS Mirror Ball Trophy and Olympic Gold Medalist, seventeen year old Shawn Johnson. Shawn's partner was Mark Ballas. Mark is a charismatic dancer and his choreography is phenomenal. He is extremely skilled at showcasing the abilities of his various partners. No complaints there. Shawn is a gold medal winning gymnast. She is cute, young and flippy (irrepressibly cheerable) and improved a great deal throughout the season. Progress IS always a factor, as it should be...but in a competition-the end result HAS to be the key. Shawn was clearly not as skilled a dancer at the end of DWTS as either Gilles or Melissa. Her scores are proof of that. But yet she won...the whole enchilada. Her undeserved win points to a serious flaw in the system.

Unlike Idol, my opinion on the Dancing With the Stars results are less subjective. There are ACTUAL expert judges scores to use as evidence...Bruno (the small, foreign, ultra-expressive and excitable one), Len (the traditional British one) and Carrie Ann's (the saucy Fly Girl one...)scores all reveal the winner as Gilles. Without fail. Hands (paddles) down. It almost appears as though the voter judging was based more on some twisted view of patriotism, rather than on physical dance skill and performance. Plotting the American as Apple Pie Gold Medalist against the Unknown Frenchman (Let's face it- outside of french fries, the french kiss, Chanel,wine, french twist, bread, perfume and French-Canadian hockey players...that's a stretch-there is no love loss on the part of the the United States toward France). There may have been a bit of consolation voting for Mark in the trend of the Academy Awards where voters attempted to make it up to Mark that he and Cheetah Girl-Sabrina Bryan got sent home outrageously early in spite of their high scores. Regardless the reasoning, the end result was preposterous. DWTS fans are up in stilettos? chiffon?(arms). Producers are going to have to reevaluate the process or lose viewership. As with Emitt Smith's controversial win and that of Apolo Anton Ohno-both wins have been chalked up to their outside athletic achievements, rather than their dancing. There should be a subtle way to adjust the way the winner is chosen that still allows the home voters to feel heard- but gives the ultimate decision to the judges. If left as it is...I think Dancing With the Stars will leap (sashay?) the shark shortly...

*Sigh* If that happens I will be forced to look for illegal lifts and abuse of spray tanner in the streets...

Sorry Gilles -that you were robbed of your gaudy trophy that you so steamily...I mean RIGHTFULLY deserved!!!

Argentine tango before you go?

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