Color Me Crabby

I am not sure that I have ever been so happy to see Saturday, as I am today. Hello Handsome- Would you like to come in for a drink? Teehee... Ah! The sun is shining, I have limited obligations and...I am the least crabby I have been all week.

Let me touch on that. I have been less than joyful for a week or two now. It could be that I have been caught up in a web of emails, phone call and complaints. I really DO love my job and am thankful to have it, but the transitions have my head spinning. It could be that the uncharacteristic sunny February weather has poisoned me with an unquenchable thirst for Spring because the snow will return, with a vengeance and I need to be prepared. Maybe it's that Shmoops has been especially uncommunicative and we had a tiff over which shelf my FRIENDS box set should be placed on...seriously, this somehow seemed worthy of five minutes of "conversation"- The longest communication we have shared all week. OR perhaps it is that I have been feeling lonely.

Do you know that hopeless, inexplicable kind of alone you feel when you are in a room full of people you love? Isolation of the mind can be devastating if left unchecked. I have decided personally it is because my heart governs my head...so if my Head...the nearly imperceptible voice of reason is silenced-I may very well be COMPLETELY and utterly hopeless. On top of that, when I feel isolated and misunderstood, unattended or maybe just unappreciated-I am convinced that I have no one to talk to about it that could possibly understand. Although there may is a degree of truth to that. The topic of isolation and emotional abandonment may be a bit deep for the sweet minds of a three and five year old. Can you imagine? Let's not-it would never happen.

Unfortunately, I am a selectively social being and am currently frozen in a position where I am not free to cultivate adult relationships.Of course my husband and I are friends...but we are also roommates. Neither of us is easy to live with. This truth causes strain on the "sharing" area of the relationship regularly. We share what we think often, but rarely what we feel.

My kids are just getting to the age where they are doing organized activities, but we don't have any real bonds there yet.Sounds like I am searching for friendship under rocks-I am new at this. I have never really struggled in the friend department. I of course have friendships- from the past (BC-before children), but they are check-in friends...(they are as busy as I am with their own families and jobs)not everyday friends. Then the one Everyday Friend I have- at any given time has as much on her plates as I do, or more...so there is no need to torture her with with my emotional cutting. I work from home-which again I adore, but that means no office friendships...which I had a lot of when I had an office. Friends that I played with. Often...

When I am not working I am thrilled to dedicate my energies to my family. Seemingly when either of the two facets (home/work) of my simply complicated life get overly challenging or out of balance...I feel a little lost. OOOhhh...and even though I am a little needy at the moment, I detest feeling needy. A Big Girl Pride Thing.- a self preservation/defense mechanism thing..vicious, hateful cycle! I try to BE a friend...so I can HAVE more friends...but once I have made the effort on my end to "be a friend"-I throw in the towel if not immediately reciprocated. Maybe if I had less dignity or was less selective-I could have more friends. That is not worth the sacrifice to me. Friendship is a two sided game.

Well there it is! The source of my crabbiness. Way to clear it up for myself!..just no solution in site.

Sorry for the self indulgent post...This too shall pass. For now I will pretend to be That Girl...smile, bounce my hair, twinkle and shake it off...Fake it til you make it. Or something. Feel it til' you heal it? That makes no sense. Whatever...

Maybe Saturday will buy it. I AM oh so happy to see him:0)

Can I cuddle with a Day of the Week? Think he would hold me "without an ounce of selfishness?" from The Waitress...Doubtful- being that Saturday is of the male persuasion...heehee

How sad I am!-In the pathetic kind of way. The worst way.

At least I can admit it.

Although that it is of little consolation.Hee Hee...boo hoo-hee-boo...hee?