Settling

This is a topic that I heard being discussed on my favorite radio show.

The DJs were debating the idea that: Everyone settles when it comes to relationships- especially women.

This is the way I see it...The debate truly was not about settling...but about relationship semantics. There is a difference between compromise and settling. In order to make a relationship work, there HAS to be compromise. If there is not-the personality of the one quashes, manipulates, squanders and suffocates that of the other. You have to give of and maybe even give up little bits of yourself to make room for the other person. Otherwise there is no relationship to speak of. That being said, if you sacrifice your dreams and desires completely in the name of love-neither of you will ever be satisfied and will end up resenting each other.

Beyond that...over time people change and passions often cool. Sometimes love fades away, sometimes it grows- Most commonly...it just changes. Relationships that endure any real longevity cannot stay at that initial explosive, smoldering level because most of us do not have that kind of energy or time. Besides familiarity seems to dissolve some of the mystery that caused those fires to rage so uncontrollably. Some settle into a little daily dance that both people find comforting and pleasurable. Some lose all passion and cannot sustain the relationship. From what I have witnessed this is not the loss of the passion that fades the relationship, but the faded relationship that wanes the passion. The lucky ones-I believe find a good balance between the romance novel (minus Fabio of course) and the friendly housemate (Three's Company" style.

Some people do "settle" I guess- in the name of safety and comfort and stability. I do not however, believe that applies to most people. Growing up together can be a mutually beneficial experience-it is the times when one of you experiences a growth spurt and the other doesn't-that can be tricky.Refer to the Missing Piece and the Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein for a simplified commentary with illustrations.

I don't really have any answers. My relationship certainly is imperfect. But we all are. Currently I am in the place where I believe love is as much a decision as it is an emotion.MAybe more. Sometimes there are fireworks, sometimes rainstorms, sometimes draught...but your love, marriage, relationship-is a marathon-not a sprint. I took that from somewhere...

Anyway-Sometimes I "settle"- sometimes he does...think that is as it should be. It is when that balance is skewed to one side or another that extreme dysfunctionality or unlivable sacrifice occurs...

To "settle" or to live alone-that is the question...