Finding My Motivation

Not sure if it is the end of the year hum drums, or what...but as I mentioned in my last blog...having a difficult time finding motivation to do ANYTHING. Even to get off the couch to make myself a cup of coffee aka-Hot Steamy Liquid Ambition...or HSLA for short. Sad state of affairs...

Have Two Little Munchkins and as it is the holiday season, their social calendar (preschool, play dates and nanny) is all clear, so sitting on the couch all day and watching all the one name female hosted talk shows...you know, Tyra, Ellen, Oprah... (which I have not devoted any real time to since bebe' number two) is not an options...teehee...Not that I would do that anyway. In a Do Nothing of My Choice World...I would read Twilight (because I decided to relive my middle school years and cave to the peer pressure) and polish off disc 2, season 1 of Army Wives that I have had on loan from Netflix for a month, maybe two. Sorry if it is on your queue and it is out...expect it by...shalll we say February?

Did I mention I have a full time job and lots of calls to make today?...Booo...

Anyway...hoping to kick the funk. However...feeling a bit paralyzed by the messier than usual state of my home that I have no interest in cleaning...and the fact that my husband...we shall call him...Shmoops (because that is all that I can come up with in my lump-ish state) is in an Argumentative Slump. Today he wanted to know why I put a picture(that apparently he did not recognize as being the one that hung on our bedroom wall for the last year until...last night when I decided to change it) in his closet...How long does he have to know me to know that my actions are very rarely supported by an actual plan...teehee. I put it in there because I removed it from the wall and he had available space...Why else? Hardly seemed worthy of an inquisition...especially before I had consumed a single drop of the afore mentioned HSLA...aka-Liquid Patience...

Alas...(that's right, I can't make a cup of coffee- but I can channel my inner-Billy Shakespeare. He loves it when I call him that..)the end of these unfascinating, uncolorful doldrums is not in sight...

Perhaps my shortsightedness is to FINALLY earn its keep...Here's hoping...

Christmas Hang over

So I love Christmas as much as the next girl. And I have Little Ones, so that makes it THAT much better. I thought I got excited! The shopping, the sparkly decorations, the twinkle lights, the pretty packages, the magic, the cheesy-yet lovely music (my Christmas music library is ridiculous ranging from the Rat Pack to Kenny Chesney...), the family and friends, the magic...and the shopping...(I may have to look into retail rehab).

Anyway-there is so much anticipation for me at Christmas time...mostly in buying all the gifts and being literally "like a kid on Christmas" waiting to see all the happy faces...so after our SIX Christmases (Vince Vaughn got off easy) and the toys are assembled...the front room looks like it was massacred by gift gremlins...I always feel a bit hung over. Meaning that while it all is very rewarding, it is a bit sad when it all has to come to an end. The last couple days I have felt excessively mopey and blue. I couldn't even muster the energy to participate in the sale mecca of day after Christmas shopping. Not to mention that I have not a single space for anything. I didn't even set up the new I Phone I got (and am absolutely thrilled about!)

By the way it was an utter surprise and I wept because I was touched mostly by the surprise of his surprise...and a little bit because I felt like a creep. My Husband has been known to do this little thing where he is very adamant and "Man in Charge-ish" about a budget for one anther's Christmas gifts.Then I fall for it and he goes all out...buying me jewelry (something else not in the budget)... or anything else that will make me tear up. This is endearing and romantic (he is pretty good at the grand gestures) but I have this short term memory and go by the Budget Rule and then feel like a She-Grinch when he gets Jelly Bellies and Season Three of Always Sunny, a horror movie and some random stocking stuffers...and I get an I-Phone...ooohhhh and Pretty Woman Anniversary Edition (only had on vhs) and Season 4 of Grey's from the kids...Not bad, right? It IS better to give, than to receive -without a doubt. Honestly though, can't say I hate receiving...affection,thoughtful gifts,lip gloss, compliments (so long as sincere)...all good things to receive

Anyway got to get over my post Christmas Hang Over and figure out what the Bebe's and I are going to wear to the New Year's Eve Wedding Reception we have to attend...More shopping and twinkly lights...hmmm...just may be what the Store Whore ordered.

Red Wine, Roller Derby and Dancing on the Bar. Did I mention Chocolate cake?

So...I had a birthday about a week ago. And I am at the age where I am not sure if I should celebrate birthdays anymore.

However I AM "A"- Spoiled and "B"- Born the Baby in my family...(are those REALLY separate items?) Anyway...I am not sure I will ever stop celebrating MY BIRTHDAY for my own sake...I mean someone has to, right? That whole "You teach people how to treat you" Doctor Phil ( or Doctor Feel-that allusion killed with the Sesame Street crowd) -ism. I do not consider myself the most vivacious girl. I do not take a lot of risk...no bungee jumping...driving at high speeds...tonguing strangers. I do (unfortunately for my lack of budgeting abilities) get a bit crazy shopping at times...but that is not exactly off the charts- out of control. So this year-I planned my own "party".

Two days before, my husband sweetly did the obligatory dinner, movie and drinks...and that was very nice too. I DO OF COURSE appreciate his efforts...But I work from home, have little rug rats and don't out out much...As i mentioned before, I like to have a good time (by my own definition of course)-so I invited what few friends I currently have to join me...Really about the Going OUT- the birthday thing merely gave me an excuse.


Party is in quotations above, as it wasn't exactly a bash...but I DID have FUN! First we went to see Roller Derby...and although it was my second time and I do not get all of the rules...it is fun and fairly easy to follow...and AWESOME people watching. We THEN went out for dinner and more cocktails and then three of us went on to Coyote Ugly. I have only been in Vegas and had a good time. Knew this one would not truly compete...but a Girl Has to Dance on the Bar Every Now and Again...right? My Sister in Law was sweet enough to be my Partner in Crime and my husband stood by as if he was waiting for that cough test men rant about so often. (How bad could it REALLY have been? Young girls, small clothes...body shots...? THOSE things much more fascinating to him of course. Never will understand how every new set of boobies is like seeing them for the first time). Truly the only bad thing about the night for me was that I lost the new MAC holiday lip palette that my Babies gave me for my birthday...booo! Out of my OCD will HAVE to replace so long as they are still in stock. Blah, blah, blah...

Anyway-"To celebrate, not to celebrate birthday debate" ...think the CELEBRATES have it...each one may be the last...may as well live it up anyway you see fit. Within reason of course...




So Happy Birthday to Me!

Snow Sweet Snow

Today is Thursday. I have always loved Thursday because it is filled with the optimism and promise of the weekend. Beyond that,I live in a cold weather state. The best kind- where the sun comes out most days and melts it away so that we can have a fresh dusting. The glittery pure blanket covers the trees and brings the mountains to life. Come March-however...when we are on our fifth month of snow, it loses some of its loveliness. I choose to be short sided and glass half full-ish now-because in THIS moment it is ABSOLUTELY enchanted.

The snow has come to us later than usual this year. Typically our first snow comes to us in late October-often Halloween...So costumes are tainted by turtlenecks, Ugg boots and winter coats. Hated that as a child-still do! Planning a costume is hard work and a North Face coat is not the finishing touch most of us have in mind. Oh and the spring snows (the ones I am not thinking about) make Easter a challenge. You try wearing a sleeveless dress and strappy sandals while hunting Easter eggs in the snow! Teehe..Those that dream of snow dream of a White Christmas, like in the cheesy movies of which I partake. We often have a dry cold Christmas and soggy Easter...teehee..Such is life!

Anyway! I do RELISH the snow-especially when I can be curled up in front of a good movie, favorite book, or even my computer... Depending what time of the day a steaming cup of java with flavored creamer and Splenda or a glass of Pinot are amongst my favorite winter month companions...

My Babies-NATURALLY want to go out in it. I pacify them enduring the cold every other day or so. Sunday- we built a little snow girl that we had to literally CONSTRUCT. For those of you who do not know snow-there are different types. The wet heavy type is ideal for snow forts and snow people bad on the roads. The light flaky picturesque kind-while breath taking as it dances to the earth-is nearly useless for anything but viewing and maybe boarding or skiing...neither of which I do, so I can't be sure-easy to drive in and only slows down the snow driving newbies to ten miles an hour...haha!

Regardless-The snow has arrived! Snow always brings with it cold weather delights...Fluffy sweaters...Tall boots, long colorful scarves and HATS! Love hats-own more than I wear because whenever I go to wear one-my hair turns out...Again one of those "such is life" things...Starbucks winter coffees, Bath and Body Works Christmas scents-yummy Twisted Peppermint!(Which they removed the glitter from-hooray! not as pretty in the bottle. I greatly appreciate it though because I love the scent, but am not fourteen or a cheerleader/stripper...so time to lay off the body glitter.) Christmas time means concocting all the homemade favorites I had as a child. Think I will ACTUALLY do that this year. Time to start building family traditions as the Bebes are getting old enough to partake and appreciate them. This Christmas season promises to be a DELIGHTFUL one.

So-Welcome Snow Sweet Snow!

...still blocking out the prior knowledge I have ascertained of May snow. Teehee! Guess all relationships bring both ecstasy and detest...otherwise our hearts aren't in them...Right?

Danny Zuko Does Drag

There are things in life that turn out to be far less than they promise. Typically that first relationship falls far short of the glass slipper image we may have formed as children. That pedicure with the perfect shade of red you bought in the interest of saving money on pedicures. Our first cars were far less (for most of us) than the Porsche we may have dreamed of...prom...Need I say more...? Now that macho leather jacketed, slick haired crooning Danny Zuko of our childhood days is STILL in musicals-but is now sporting drag...? Really?

Seriously! I kid you not! For those of you who grew up under a pop culture isolated rock- or in a non penetrable bubble robbed of such cult classics as "Summer Lovin'" and "You're the One That I Want", " "Greased Lightening"...Danny Zuko is John Travolta's character in Grease. Long before Pulp Fiction and an eternity before the High School Musical phenomenon...(? )which he is not in-but is seemingly a Disney-Grease rip off.

Here's the scoop or shall I call it a fall from grace?...So I consumed spicy chicken wings after eight-bad plan number one. My stomach is boycotting. So after I finish off half a bottle of Tums , Grey's Anatomy and an episode of Desperate Housewives off the DVR-I decide to watch Hairspray on On Demand (which I saw years ago in the Ricki Lake-John Waters variety, but other than the basic premise-remembered very little of). I KNEW that John Travolta was in the film-playing a LARGE woman and other than thinking that was an odd casting choice did not fully realize the long term emotional scarring actually SEEING this might cause.

His performance wasn't BAD. Other than that he played the wife of Christopher Walkin-weird enough all on its own...let it sink in...You threw up a bit in your mouth-right? We are talking JOHN TRAVOLTA here...may not be Girard Butler...but other than Girard- HAS to be one of the most macho males to grace movies of the musical variety. Grease, Urban Cowboy, Staying Alive, Saturday Night Fever...and then non musicals like Michael, Pulp Fiction, Get Shorty...even Wild Hogs- but surely you can see the inconsistency!

He had a bouffant and a moo moo...instead of a biker jacket, cowboy hat (albeit rhinestone encrusted), trench coat(insert other masculine wardrobe item here)...sang a romantic-ish ballad while waltzing with creepy Christopher Walkin...This MAY be lost on all of you...but as a (YOUNG) child of the 80's-I am quite possibly marred for my remaining years.

If you are in my dreamy Pink Lady boat and have not yet made the image shattering error of watching John Travolta in Hairspray...PLEASE turn back! See the error of MY ways (and in my opinion-John Travolta''s as well) The T-Birds would not approve and neither do I.

I leave you now to try to erase the image of the fat suited, fake eye lashed, lip stick wearing John Travolta for the hip thrusting, greasy hair slicking heart stealing Danny Zuko of old. I pray it's not too late. Out with the bad-in with the good...out with the bad, in with the good...


" I got Chills- they're MULTIPLYIN" and I'm LOS-In" con-trol...cause' the power you're supplyin' it's electrifyin'!"




Damned chicken wings!



Revisited this one because I am so very sad for John Travolta and his family and the loss of their son. My thoughts and prayers go out to them. I have friends and family who have lost children and it is something no parent should have to endure. No greater loss in all the world.

Settling

This is a topic that I heard being discussed on my favorite radio show.

The DJs were debating the idea that: Everyone settles when it comes to relationships- especially women.

This is the way I see it...The debate truly was not about settling...but about relationship semantics. There is a difference between compromise and settling. In order to make a relationship work, there HAS to be compromise. If there is not-the personality of the one quashes, manipulates, squanders and suffocates that of the other. You have to give of and maybe even give up little bits of yourself to make room for the other person. Otherwise there is no relationship to speak of. That being said, if you sacrifice your dreams and desires completely in the name of love-neither of you will ever be satisfied and will end up resenting each other.

Beyond that...over time people change and passions often cool. Sometimes love fades away, sometimes it grows- Most commonly...it just changes. Relationships that endure any real longevity cannot stay at that initial explosive, smoldering level because most of us do not have that kind of energy or time. Besides familiarity seems to dissolve some of the mystery that caused those fires to rage so uncontrollably. Some settle into a little daily dance that both people find comforting and pleasurable. Some lose all passion and cannot sustain the relationship. From what I have witnessed this is not the loss of the passion that fades the relationship, but the faded relationship that wanes the passion. The lucky ones-I believe find a good balance between the romance novel (minus Fabio of course) and the friendly housemate (Three's Company" style.

Some people do "settle" I guess- in the name of safety and comfort and stability. I do not however, believe that applies to most people. Growing up together can be a mutually beneficial experience-it is the times when one of you experiences a growth spurt and the other doesn't-that can be tricky.Refer to the Missing Piece and the Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein for a simplified commentary with illustrations.

I don't really have any answers. My relationship certainly is imperfect. But we all are. Currently I am in the place where I believe love is as much a decision as it is an emotion.MAybe more. Sometimes there are fireworks, sometimes rainstorms, sometimes draught...but your love, marriage, relationship-is a marathon-not a sprint. I took that from somewhere...

Anyway-Sometimes I "settle"- sometimes he does...think that is as it should be. It is when that balance is skewed to one side or another that extreme dysfunctionality or unlivable sacrifice occurs...

To "settle" or to live alone-that is the question...

I Want My Mermaid Back

When I was a little girl I had this INCREDIBLE imagination. Now that creative way of viewing life comes in small doses. Sadly, I can never suspend disbelief long enough to create that same magic.

Anyway, I lived for (still do) baths and dresses- and climbing trees (but this one I have had to release from my list of talents. I don't heal like I used to and scars are no longer cool to me). I drove my mother crazy because I changed my clothes three times a day-partly due to dressing to suit my mood and partly because trees are not dress friendly. I was always contentedly pretending to be a princess, Annie, Dorothy... a slave girl, a movie star, fairy,cabaret performer, scientist, or whatever self created heroin I had invented...but at the end of the day, when the street lamps came on and I was summoned inside it was bath time. My favorite part of the day.

It was in that enchanted hour, when the moon shone bright and the stars waltzed through the infinite sky- that I would fill the bathtub with steamy, bubbly water, glide in and let my hair fan out around me. I would cross my ankles to make a mermaid tail and "swim" around changing directions and no doubt making a mess on the floor in front of the bath tub. Thank goodness for linoleum...heehee...never thought I would hear myself say that, but it was the 80's and that was mostly what was available.

I created this imaginary, underwater paradise with these intricate story lines. Stories about a glorious mermaid who was being sought after by a handsome fisherman. He caught glimpse of the mermaid and was impossibly charmed by her. He wanted to capture her heart so that she would sacrifice her paradise and he could make her his bride.. She loved the fisherman deeply, but she loved the ocean more and couldn't be torn away from her ocean home-not even in the name of love. There were plot variations, involving princes and other fantastical characters that little girls cherish.

I was five or six and the stories didn't stop at mermaids in bathtubs. I was forever playing out these little scenes-mostly to myself because I was the youngest, with a large gap between my sisters and me. Entertaining myself was my sole purpose in life at that juncture.

Eventually this self created fairyland was stolen away by slumber parties and the discovery of boys and whatever right of passage moments take with them the possibility and fearlessness of girlhood. Freedom to create and dance and sing and escape to hidden places and be secret people and experience everything your brush of imagination can paint. The limitless, mystical kingdoms and perfect princes are shattered by reality and leave behind only the twinkle of possibility. A secret stash of fairy dust reserved for stormy weather.

Now when I have an especially rough day. When my reality does not live up to my fantasies. I pine for the imagination that I once had. An imagination that allowed me to fully commit to being whatever and wherever I wanted to be at any given moment. When I feel as if I am a chameleon that blends unnoticed into my surroundings, I wish for the unaldulterated belief that allowed me to simply change my mind and become an Indian queen, a warrior, a unicorn, ESPECIALLY a mermaid. Unfortunately reality has paralyzed the mermaid with mediocrity. My ability to escape-replaced by the wisdom that living brings. At that time, when the shackles of responibility tighten and obligations of adulthood steal my air- Those are the instances when I want-when I NEED my mermaid to return to me.

By some miracle of fate, or gift from God- there are still those brief, stolen moments where the Mermaid in me breaks free and for a few moments she flits back and forth through the shimmery waters with the sun catching each glimmering joint in her majestically created, jewel toned tail...The most captivating and mystical creature in the sea...too true to her passion, too alive-to sacrifice an ounce of her magnificence. Even in the name of love.

A Little Bit Crazy

I often hear it said that there is no such thing as a little bit. In the sense that you can't be a little bit fat, or kinda' gay, a tad bit hideous or a little bit of a psychopath.

However I strongly believe that you CAN be a little bit crazy. In fact, as life progresses I gain daily evidence that supports that we are all a bit nutty. That those freakish normal people that show no cracks-underneath it all are the craziest of all and if you know one, I strongly recommend sleeping with one eye open and at least a stiletto under your pillow. One day they will feel the pain, smell the stench of loneliness or get knocked down by regret or loss and they will fall to pieces. So much better to let the crazy in in bits-so you can take it as it comes. Too much to take on all at once.

Alright, so I am speaking "crazy" from experience...while everyone is a little off their rocker...I am tottering on the edge- trying to maintain my balance. I say this whimsically of course...I take my insanity lightly. There are no voices in my head. Only a few skeletons in my closet (metaphorically of course).

However- I came into this world with a big scarlet , pounding heart on my sleeve. Not a whole lot I can do about it. Sometimes the beating of that heart fills my ears and takes over my brain. When it doesn't expand so that I can see nothing else in front of me, it makes me a slave to its desires, needs and appetites. My mouth is forever protecting and defending my heart-sort of a protective big sister if you will. My eyes clean it with its tears when it is injured flooding over it in torrents...that are difficult to dam in once the flooding starts. The three of them have developed a sort of dysfunctional union. Blood sisters in the truest sense. And when somebody bumps, bruises or cuts my heart (which is unfortunately easy to do) it- it gushes all over my new black boots and stains the Violator as well.

Passionate, impulsive-predictably unpredictable...It is what it is. And sometimes it makes a mess of things. Including relationships. That is my brand of crazy. Now you know. It chose me. I don't excuse it or use it to excuse me...it is just one of those wisdoms you gain in life. Part self awareness and acceptance and part preventative measure and self preservation.

A long time ago, I read the novel "Girl Interrupted" and one of the themes in the novel is the idea that "Mental Health" is subjective. Because at various points in this messy, backward, dangerous, gloriously beautiful and poignantly memorable journey we complete in life we are all damaged-often irreparably. And if we were to be pulled over by the Crazy Police at these specific junctures of our voyage...we would all be deemed "unstable or crazy". So if we ALL have a fragile grasp on sanity- who is to Judge?

Think we have established that it is not me...

What brand of crazy are you?

Face Book-Highschool De Jas Vous

So my husband just got me turned on (wait for it, wait for it...) to Facebook. He kept telling me how all these people I knew from school were on it, yada, yada, yada...So I get on it last night and start setting up my profile and attempting to post photos etc...I say attempting because I am about the most computer illiterate person you could ever hope never to meet. I see lots of people I "know" considering the enrollment of the two high schools that I attended have the combined enrollment of a large high school's graduating class. One school so minuscule that it is not on the list of schools even though there are about fifty graduates represented on Facebook...haha...not at all sure how that works.

Anyway, I requested some friends (waiting on Harry Connick Junior to accept my friend/fantasy boy friend/love slave request) and deliberately not requested some as well. I find it (almost) comical how coming into contact with certain people from high school can give a girl that "does my hair look alright, check that my lip gloss is perfect and please, PLEASE don't trip" feeling all over again. I am now married with two beautiful children.-definitely NOT prowling in the least. So I find it funny how those adolescent butterflies flutter in my now allegedly matured tummy ...Almost like it did when that nameless boy (although I remember his name)smiled crookedly at me from across the English classroom. I don't think I was a dork-pretty sure I wasn't. Private schools are different though. Those often unfairly drawn social lines blurred a bit more...But somehow, I think even the most confident, popular girl in high school (Iwas not that either) had her moments of insecurity. Anyway for me Facebook is High school De Jas Vous.

Difficult to be especially profound on this topic. Just that seeing photos and sending shout outs and Friend Requests into cyber space to people that I haven't seen in ten to fifteen...has this odd, surreal effect on me. Call me crazy (please... I kind of like it;0))...but the whole PRETEND living that communicating through technology has introduced- mixed with my version of the past creates this surreal combination of the glory days (which in retrospect, not all that glorious) and an awareness of who I am now and who I thought that I would become. Not that I gave it a lot of thought at that stage in life. Still a bit gray on the subject of future plans...Memories are powerful though, aren't they? All those firsts...kisses, dances, best friends, loves and consequently heart breaks, disappointments and betrayals. I suppose that highschool did prepare me for real life after all. Although, I don't think Geometry and Home Economics had much to do with it...Thankfully. They held little relevance for me then, as they do now.

Said it before, say it again..."High school NEVER ends"...sad but true. Think there will be prom in heaven? I better start looking for a dress...Right after I fix my hair, touch up my lip gloss and update my status...

New Kids Out Rock Diva

I am about to completely date myself.

This week I attended two concerts. Let me add that up to that point, I had only seen two concerts in the past two years. Anyway...my in laws very generously and thoughtfully got me and my sisters in law tickets to see Madonna. She had never before been to our state (which is actually kind of weird in and of itself) seeing as she has been around for twenty five years. We are a BIT of a "one horse town", but most big artists make it here after they hit the BIG venues. So it was a HUGE ticket here. Everyone I talked to wanted to go, but couldn't justify the price of admission...a boat I too would have been in, had the ticket not been a gift. Anyway- the other concert I got a ticket to was the New Kids on the Block, whom I loved intensely in my pre/early teens. And being my obsessive-compulsive self...have never totally let them go... Also-high priced, but about half what Madonna was.

Okay so to make a long story longer...Madonna was on a Tuesday night and the concert was to start at eight. We were told as we walked in the door that she would be taking the stage late, so we figured eight thirty, eight forty five...There was no opening act btw...Well Madonna took the stage at nine thirty. Let me say that the choreography, lighting, etc. were AMAZING. Every single song looked like a music video. Do they still make those? If they do, they aren't on MTV anymore...haha...Of course she looks unbelievable and sounds better than I expected. She sang "You Must Love Me" from Evita and it was fab...but here is the thing, her limited interaction with the audience was a bit obnoxious...she told us to clap over our heads that "we needed the exercise"...Let me note that the state I live in is regularly rated the healthiest...so whatever...Anyway, when did she start dressing like Gwen Stefani? So the energy and the music is great...but she sings about five old songs and the rest is off the new cd. Let me say that she made me want the new cd, which certainly is the goal she hoped to achieve-but let's face it, most of us stopped buying Madonna cds after Ray of Light (even that is pushing it). Seems a bit self indulgent that she played mostly new music in a place she has never been. Beyond that, she sang literally a quarter of "Like a Virgin"...Seriously?! She asked an audience member for the request then sang back and forth with the audience and didn't finish it. After performing about an hour and forty five minutes, the screen says Game Over and the light come up. She wastes an hour and a half of our time and doesn't do an encore. REALLY! Oh and t-shirts were $45.00, sweat shirts were $100.00. A bit of a mixed bag...I mean Madonna is Madonna...what she DID perform surpassed expectation, it was what she didn't do that left a bad taste in my mouth. She clearly is not a diva in reputation only. Seemed to have no appreciation for those that spent hundreds of dollars to see her for probably the first and only time in twenty five years.


Okay, okay...So then there is the New Kids on the Block. As I mentioned, not a cheap ticket but about half the price of Madonna. They played to a much smaller venue that was not completely sold out. They have released less than half the cd's Madonna has. Loved them at thirteen and they still hold a pink fluffy cotton candy scented place in my heart. I am loyal to a fault and while the posters are all boxed up, I still follow their careers...from Jordan on Surreal Life, Joey McIntyre's season on Dancing with the Stars, to Donnie Wahlberg's movie career (Sixth Sense, Ransom, Band of Brothers..."So when I saw them on Today Show...I lost it...bought the Greatest Hits and the new cd (most of mine were on cassette...haha) and THEN I heard they were coming hear and rounded up my middle school girlfriends, even dragged my husband, sister in law and cousins! Okay-they have two opening acts, one of which is Natasha Bettingfield (sp?) who was gracious and good...because she knew it made no difference what she did as everyone was waiting for the NKOTB. The other was Lady Gaga who COMPLETELY won me over, how faboo IS she?

They were UNBELIEVABLE. They gave us exactly what we wanted and then some. Think it was better than when I saw their show seventeen years ago. They sang every single old song anyone would have wanted to hear AND their new stuff. They played two and a half hours and did two encores. They updated, but still played into the things we loved...like Jordan's open blowing white shirt (woohoo) and Donnie's gyrations...haha...Plus-Joe is solid through puberty now and much more machismo. My ONLY complaint is the stripper-looking dancers...probably for THEIR entertainment, but no girl wants to see her middle school heartthrob being rubbed down by a hooch. I am sure they are VERY nice girls...but I have to admit (mmrreeoorrr) that I wanted to drag them out by their hair a time or two...I screamed louder than a tweener at a Jonas Brother's Concert...haha! Hoarse and sore the next day-so NOT as young as I used to be. But I SO fell in love all over again! I would see them again when they are sixty...teehee. May be a bit more Tom Jones-ish then. "Hangin' Tough" at eighty means trying not to break a hip...but Whateva...LOYAL. As I said. Walking in and out of that venue was like entering and departing Neverland....I must admit I NEVER wanted to leave Block Land. No apologies. I just didn't...


Any way...two shows-one week, one conclusion. New Kids out Rock the Diva. Is it appreciation, camaraderie? Time out of the limelight, perspective perhaps? Hard to say...Of course music taste is completely subjective-but I think most people would expect Madonna to perform them under the table she is dancing on but they outdid her in every aspect. Most people would consider them fluff and her the real talent. They made their fans feel valued and important and she made us feel as if we were putting her out. Both good performances, but the heart of the matter was universally different...

Does Highschool Ever End?

I just got together with some old Friends from high school. Now I don't want to completely date myself, but I graduated before "Al Gore's Internet" (as my step father in law comically refers to it) was easily accessed from every home in America...so needless to say life has changed a bit since high school. We are all married and most of us have children( plural...that seems crazy). Oddly enough, the dynamics are not that different than they were "x" number of years ago.

Of course this got me thinking about how life is really an exaggerated form of high school. This is not an original notion for a reason-because it rings so true for almost everyone. There are still bullies, cool kids, athletes, drama queens, freaks (and the older I get the more I am convinced that to human is to be a bit freaky deaky) but some wear their freak flags on their chests...anyway.. dorks, eccentrics,...you name it...

And years later, we still care what our friends think. New friends , old friends, would be friends...haha HOPEFULLY what has changed is that we have a stronger sense of who we are and do not reinvent ourselves continuously to become what we think others expect us to be. To be honest though, we still make slight modifications to our SELF to best fit with the company we keep...Smart Self,Competant Self, Business Self, Sexy Self, Sassy Self, Super Mommy Self, Fascinating Self, Good Wife Self...(we will keep the Naughty Selves in the closet for now to be taken out at a later date). A bit of randomness here...because of these little adjustments we make, when different groups that require a different "Self" come together...I call it worlds colliding (thank you Jerry Seinfeld)...but that is my proof for the high school theory...Worlds Colliding always causes me a brief and minor identity crisis.

Anyway, I like most people (I think) I both loved and hated high school. It had a lot of the drama and intrigue I require for living. I was somewhere in the middle of the heap. Not the tip top, nor the bottom...and that is sort of where I still am. ..that seems kind of pathetic...although I have experienced rises and falls within that spectrum.

Really though...I have more or less come to terms with the high school me, that I still am in some ways. I am not a genius or an over-achiever...I make my mistakes regularly and (hopefully) learn from them . Try to always strive to be a kinder, better person...and I have outgrown some of my high school flaws...but some of them just magnified when "real" life set in...still feel as if I am trying to find my way. The issues are modified and the stakes are higher, but the feelings are basically the same-just with new upgraded twists.

Reminiscing I remember how eager I was to get out of high school, little did I know that I never really would.

Over Oprah...?

Okay. So let me preface this one by stating that I am American and a woman. One who happens to be in her early thirties, which is part of Oprah's target audience. That is a bit of a joke-just wanted to confirm before I go on...should you have any doubt.;0)

In the past year, I have come to the conclusion that I just MAY be Over Oprah.

Respect Oprah's success. Like Madonna, she is a marketing genius...and she doesn't even have to reinvent herself. Every single thing she touches turns to gold. Oprah is iconic. I cannot think of a single person in my lifetime that has had the authority, the grace, the power that Oprah has over the specific (female) population. She has literally been on television almost as far back as I can remember.There is however, a chink in the armor...or stilettos what have you...

Oprah catches criminals, she gets people to read, helps school female youth in Africa. She gives away cars-makes careers, raises money for hurricane victims. Oprah is seemingly flawless. As I see it, to make women love you as a fellow woman-is nearly miraculous. Still with power comes responsibility.

In recent times, Oprah has become much more outspoken on her political, personal and religious views. Tastefully and modestly, almost slyly she has snuck in bits of what she really believes, a glimpse at who she really is. From her first public stance on her show backing Obama...to her discussions on "A New Earth"and "The Secret" as well as her refusal to have Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show...she even commented that she believes marriage to one person for life is an antiquated notion, Not about agreeing, or disagreeing with her views. But resenting her abuse of influence. She has always maintained a bit of distance from her guests even though she has the final creative say. No longer.

I have never been a fan of the parade of mindless celebrities who are constantly making public spectacles of themselves. It is amazing that they don't fall on their pretty little faces given the rapid nature with which they leap from one bandwagon to the next. Haha...I am not really that angry...just-how does making out on screen and being self obsessed make a person a political expert? Or an Environmentalist?To me, the equivalent would be for me, someone with a background in English- to give a Biology lecture at Harvard...simply ridiculous. Anyway, for the most part...Oprah has remained above the fray. Has used her power for good.

So many woman blindly follow anything and everything Oprah says. She tells us what to read, who to wear, what to buy, who to listen to, what movies to see. Women take relationship advise, health advise...you name it, from Oprah. Who else has such power over us?

For this reason, it seems deliberate and irresponsible to me that Oprah is presenting her agenda. I personally am not threatened as I am confident in my own ability to maintain my beliefs and decide for myself what to think. I am not that confident that women young and old will step out of their Oprah coma long enough to realize that what Oprah presents is based on her opinion and agenda.

Seems to me that perhaps this new, uninhibited Oprah may be preparing for retirement and therefore is telling it as she believes it to be.

Oprah IS an amazing woman...

She is a thinking woman's resource...to the rest, her word is the only word . I find that disconcerting. Even disturbing.

This is the reason that I just MAY be OVER Oprah.

Jealousy

Jealousy...

(to give credit where credit is due...this blog is straight up Gray's Anatomy Format...which I used to absolutely adore, but it has gone a bit ER-ish on me and if I wasn't hooked on the characters and if I weren't completely OCD- I would switch it off...:0) )

We have all had jealous friends, jealous boyfriends or girlfriends, a jealous spouse...and assuming that we are all human, we have all been a bit jealous...seen green (not money green, but green eyed monster green).

We have been envious of the time or attention that someone we care about spends with someone else...or the fabulous shoes, great body, amazing hand bag...the hooker passing us on the street is sporting...Regardless to be human-is to have experienced jealousy in various forms.

As women, we claim we don't like it when men act jealous. We pretend it's a burden. What happens however, when the one we love is not jealous? This raises all sorts of questions. Does he just trust me or is he not in love with me anymore? Does he still find me attractive? Is he bored?Is he not passionate about me? Is he cheating?

This issue was raised by someone close to me. She has had an on again, off again relationship with the same boy for years and he used to be jealous, CRAZY jealous. This was an attribute that used to make her grit her teeth and make the hair stand up on the back of her neck. Because even when they weren't together she could not so much as speak to another guy without ruffling his feathers.

They have been slowly reopening the door between friendship and romance for awhile now...so they are on uncertain ground. She goes out and talks to cute boys with her girlfriends last night, tells him about it expecting what WAS the usual envy drunk reaction and he remains unruffled. Now she wants to know why the boy who used to bang on her door and call her twenty times worrying about where she is and who she is talking to...now is unfazed that she had a flirtation with another man.

Men are constantly talking about out double standards. Are they really double standards? Or do we just act put out by jealousy for the benefit of our friends and secretly relish the attention being showered upon us in the form of barbarism?..teehee...that is a joke! Although, let's be honest- we wouldn't mind our men clubbing the Violator over the head and dragging us back to the cave by our hair for a wild love by the fire...

Although jealousy can make people crazy...in moderation-it can fuel passion, show interest, hold our attention. No woman wants a pouty man-boy sulking in the corner because some beau smiled in our general direction, but a "who was that guy?" every once in awhile is not only good for us as women because we know he still gives a dookie-but it is good for our man as well. We want him to know that "we we still got it" and he better recolize (haha)...

Something to the old "moderation in all things" adage. Like a shot of Grand Marnier in a top shelf margarita- a touch of jealousy gives both sexes the kick we crave in a relationship- can keep the home fires burnin' (or the cave fires as the case may be).

Had a Bad Day

I have to go back to last season of A.I .(or American Idol). When each Contestant got voted off...they would do the sappy video montage to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day"- (a song I still like in spite of the show's numerous efforts to destroy it for me). I like American Idol-like a great deal of "reality" television, I find it highly addictive-primarily due to its' broad appeal. ANYWAY, my point is this-when I see the young ones weep and see how defeated they are after they are cast from the pop island... I think that in the life of the kid being voted off. in the most vicious way Ryan Secrest and the Producers of American Idol can imagine in the name of "Entertainment"-THAT day .. is a catastrophic disaster...yet in the grand scheme...of all the days, of all the people in all the world...hardly a drop in the bucket.

So today, I had a bad day. I am not relevant enough to warrant a video montage or a theme song , but I try to force it into perspective. While my bad day was unselfishly bad...it was bad for me because someone nearest and dearest to my heart is having a hard time at this juncture in life. It is not hurricane bad, fire bad, serious illness bad...so relatively speaking, it was good...if that makes any sense.

However, why does knowing that "this too shall pass," not make it pass any quicker?

So although I literally was falling apart at my seams today on his behalf. .In his life...this is one day of many. And oddly enough, he doesn't even know it was bad.

Perspective...easy to define, hard to attain...

Especially when, "You had a Bad Day..."

Time Alone

Thinking today that the way I view time alone is extremely subjective. The only time that I am ever really alone is late at night, I spend the rest of the time with my Little Monkeys and on the phone and computer for work-running back and forth to God knows where..the usual.

So...when I actually am alone, I do not want to do any of the things that I should be doing, like tidying the house or finishing up the days' work...or even reading...instead, I poor a glass of wine and try to decide which pointless television show I will watch tonight...If I fall asleep, I am actually irritated that I missed out on MY time. That sounds so Oprah-ish of me...haha

Anyway on to the subjective part, my husband runs a seasonal business and I spend the season being emotionally worn out because I run the house single handedly. Knowing full well that tons of women do it and most probably do a more complete job than me...but I feel lonely. Typical man style, he is not super hands on with the babies or the most communicative person you will ever meet...but I miss his presence...I really have no other adults in my life to vent to.

When he comes back-i almost resent his presence. As tired as I get...the kids and I get into a groove and although we miss him, there is always a transition period when the season ends...

Perhaps then, it is not so much that my view is subjective- but that if I am alone by choice I feel recharged and rewarded and if it is not of my choosing, I feel alone and resentful...

Haha...verbal processing is my thing. Thanks to verbal processing I identified the differance between being alone and independent and being alone and lonely...and guess what? It doesn't change anything.

Such is life- with its' blank realizations...

Distracted

I tend toward being overly analytical when it comes to things that don't matter the least bit to anyone, sometimes even to me...haha...kinda' ridiculous really...And in my overly analytical fashion, I have decided that I do this because if I really took the time to think about what a complete disaster I really am, I might fall into a trillion little fragmented pieces...so I analyze empty things to keep me mind occupied...and distracted.

So case in point the above is one example, here is another...

I love "Sex and the City...first because I identify with the characters and second because I love the fashion...not that I am high fashion, but I still have an appreciation for it...sort of like my relationship with art and classical music...anyway...

I have a theory that doesn't matter one iota in the grand scheme of things...but my theory is : that the show is written so that all the women who watch the show identify with Carrie Bradshaw (for those of you living under a rock, played by Sarah Jessica Parker) and one other character...in my case, Charlotte (whom I think is portrayed by Kristin Davis...? She also played Brooke the psycho who drown in the swimming pool on Melrose Place)...oh the wasted hours I have spent on bubble gum television!

Anyway...Sarah Jessica Parker is savvy and strong yet surprisingly vulnerable...and Charlotte is sweet and prim in MOST situations...not sure who plays the rest of me...but so far if I were a television character I would be a mix of Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte, Elaine from Seinfeld crazy...and Cybil...all the above and then some mixed together in uneven amounts...haha.

Oh the beauty of distraction!

Underwhelming

The basic theme of the play "Our Town" Is that life is not in the big moments, but the moments in between. All the moments that we take for granted. I think about that a lot. I find myself so caught up in the trials and the tribulations of daily life that I often forget to appreciate the moments that make my life rich. Not the vacations and the holidays and the events that I seem to look forward to, but in the way my daughter sings songs exactly the way that I sing them, or that my son tries so very hard to be a "good boy" even though it is so very difficult for him. Even in the history that I share with my husband, the way that he can make me laugh even when I feel that we have lost touch.

What a waste I think it is that I am always looking ahead. Not seeing what is directly in front of me. Knowing that I have a blind eye when it comes to life, does not seem to be enough to keep it in perspective. I seem to be forever seeking the next thrill...but being immune somehow to the richness of my life...and it is. Rich I mean.

Perspective. What a waste it is, when it is gained only in hindsight. Why is it that we appreciate the most blessed times of our lives...only when they have passed. Reminiscing...I want to find a way to gain perspective when I can still hold, touch, feel. sense the moment...not to only appreciate the richest moments when they are past...I need to wake up and drink it all in when these experiences are still attainable, not when they have fallen out of reach...when regret sets in.

I want to be overwhelmed by the richness in my life. Not underwhelmed by its lack of adventure, or disappointed by its sameness. I want to APPRECIATE the beauty of this moment. There is no promise of the next.

In Between

Today is my very first post. Wow! I feel like such a big girl!
The last thing I created is now potty training and trying to give up her nap...that is a little sad considering that I am SUPPOSED to be a creative person

Anyway, I didn't start a blog because I have anything particularly important or interesting to say...but because I see it as an outlet. An intellectual, emotional, spiritual outpouring....a chance to feel heard out and understood. Even if it is all pretense. So this little blog is my VOICE...even if it is drab, whiney, catty, or tends to go on and on...about things that noone cares about but me.

This keyboard is my sounding board, my listening ears...my outlet...and sad and pathetic as it is... therapeutic. To get it all out. So, there it is.

Here's to a long, beautiful and one sided friendship...haha. Aren't ALL friendships/relationships a bit once sided? If not, I have been sorely cheated and misguided.


Cheers!